Ebene
by Half Demon Alchemist
Summary: In a world where people are born with a sentence from their soulmate on their wrist, people wait their whole lives to meet their soulmate. But one day, a boy is born with a blank wrist. And this wordless boy's name is Ludwig Beilschmidt.
1. Prologue and Birth

**So guys, this is my latest project. Please review! Oh, and I'll update every Friday! And usually there wouldn't be two sections in a chapter, but I don't really count the prologue as it's own like separate chapter so I just included it. Enjoy!**

**Note: Ebene is German for 'plain'. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Prologue and Birth_**

**_The Wordless Boy_**

**-Prologue-**

In this world, people are born with 'the words' marred into their wrists. The words are different for each person, and each reads the first -or most significant or rememberable- sentence that your future soulmate will say to you when you meet them in their handwriting.

People go about their lives, talking to random people on the street, seeing if somehow their sentences would connect, or if one partner had said that sentence sometime in their life. Although for the most part, it isn't something you can force. It just happens, it's fate. Destiny. The words are what count most in a human beings life.

Sometimes 'the words' don't make any sense. You could have the strangest sentence inked onto your wrist, but it would all make sense when you met your soulmate. Sometimes, the sentence is so strange you can use it as a clue.

If you were to go against 'the words', your life would most likely end up being terrible. If you were romantically involved with someone who was not your soulmate, things could be catastrophic. Although no one ever went against 'the words'. It just wasn't something you did. Instead, you spent your whole life memorizing your words and every sentence that came out of your mouth, and everybody else's, just in case they might be the one.

The words were the most precious thing a person had.

**-Birth-**

"Push! The baby is almost out, you're doing great!"

There was a yell from the soon to be mother, and the cheer of the doctors surrounding her as she gave the final necessary push. Out popped a wailing baby, and after cutting the umbilical cord, the doctors washed and wrapped the newborn in a blanket before handing the infant to the waiting mother.

"Congratulations, it's a boy! Any names in mind?"

The woman tilted her head in thought before smiling widely. "Ludwig. I'll call him Ludwig."

"A beautiful name for a beautiful baby boy! Now let's take a peek at those words, shall we?"

The mother nodded her blonde head enthusiastically, her blue eyes sparkling with happiness. Oh, her older son would be so happy to have a younger bother. Pulling down the blanket, the doctor gently grasped one of the small wrists, turning it over to find it blank.

The doctor and mother shared baffled looks, before the doctor smiled and shook her head. "No, it must be on the other wrist." The two women shared a smile, both nodding at each other in agreement, as the doctor tucked the small limb back into the blanket, and pulling out the other delicate wrist.

Blank.

The woman's blue eyes widened, and the doctor shook her head sadly, looking at the floor as she bit her lip in sympathy.

"Mrs Beilschmidt, I am so sorry."

And Mrs Beilschmidt broke down, sobs escaping her lips as the tears rolled down her cheeks rapidly, clutching her newborn to her chest as she wept, already whispering her apologizes to her newborn, apologizing for the life he was going to have to lead.

_To Be Continued _

**Please review, and I hope you enjoyed it! I promise it'll become more exciting in future chapters. Next Friday's chapter will be better. And sorry it's so short!**


	2. Age Two

**Thanks so much to everyone who favorited, followed and reviewed this story! All are appreciated so much, and I'm glad you all like this. This chapter is rather short also, but I promise there are longre ones coming up in the future!**

**Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Two_**

**_Sun and Moon_**

"I can't take this anymore!" Mr Beilschmidt shouted, his eyes narrowing and the veins popping angrily on his throat as he yelled at his wife. "I can't be the father to some disgraceful little wordless brat anymore!"

"He's your son!" Mrs Beilschmidt cried, fat salty tears streaming down her face "you can't just abandon your two children and wife!"

The German man sneered in disgust, "that wordless brat is _not_ my son. And for you to have birthed such a thing means _you_ could not be my soulmate." He clutched the handle of his suitcase tightly, glaring at his wife.

Mrs Beilschmidt looked as if she had been slapped. Shot. Stabbed in the stomach. Her eyes widened to an impossible size and her mouth fell open. Rivers of plump tears ran down her cheeks furiously as she covered her hand with her mouth. Too shocked to speak, she stared at the man who's sentence was inked on her wrist shove his coat on and walk to the door.

How could this be possible? It was his sentence on her wrist '_are you okay, miss?_' it read, and his had the matching words of '_you saved my life_'. Their words went together, they were soulmates. She loved him more than life itself. He was more important to her than the sun in the sky, than her own life, than her children. She loved him more than anything.

And now he was leaving.

Part of her burned with resentment towards him, towards her young son and towards herself. If only he hadn't been born, he wouldn't be leaving. But no, she had a wordless son and the cost of having this new child was that the love of her life was leaving her. Of course, she knew this wasn't the proper way to think. She loved her son, she loved her special little Ludwig. Ludwig was the sun and her precious Gilbert was the moon.

But Mr Beilschmidt was her whole world.

She wanted to be angry, she wanted to curse and swear at her husband for doing this to her, for even thinking that it was okay for him to just leave her, leave their children just because one of them wouldn't have a soulmate. It was cruel. It was cruel, and the worst part was that she couldn't make herself stop loving him because of it. Couldn't he at least have let her come with him?

Her heart felt broken, and her blue eyes watched her husband shove his feet in his shoes. What about her children? How could they be raised without a father? Gilbert would know, he would understand. But Ludwig... what about Ludwig? Was she to tell him that it was his fault his father left? He was so young, how could he be raised without a father?

How was she going to do this on her own?

Gripping the knob tightly, Mr Beilschmidt threw the door open and marched out the door. And then he left, suitcase clutched tightly in his hand as his cold blue eyes never looked back at the house that held his two sons and his soulmate.

Meanwhile an eight-year-old Gilbert refused to let the tears fall down his cheeks as he watched his father leave, tightly hugging a baby Ludwig who sobbed onto his shoulder, although the child did not know what was happening.

"It'll be okay, it'll be okay." Mrs Beilschmidt whispered to mostly to herself, but also to her albino son who ran over to her while clutching the wordless infant. Gilbert used one hand to support Ludwig, and his other hand clutched his mother's shaking hand. "Everything will be okay, we'll be okay." She whispered, "we'll get by just fine." She choked out those few sentences, although she didn't believe her own words.

The cries of _please don't go_ and _come back _died in his throat and young Gilbert did not yell out to his father whom had never even said goodbye to him. The pale haired boy did not shout out to his father to turn around, to please come back to them. Instead, he clamped his mouth shut and held onto his baby brother a little bit tighter.

He had to be the man of the house now, he had to make his mother smile and make sure his brother had a good life, with or without words. That was his job now. He had to be mature, he had to be _strong_.

Gilbert's red eyes burned with tears he would not let escape as he watched his father walk down the driveway and never turn around.

_To be continued _

_**Coming next: Age 6**_


	3. Age Six

**Well, here's your weekly chapter of Ebene. I'm so glad you guys like it so much so far, every review, favorite and follow is deeply appreciated. And for Binxx (guest) I wanted to let you know that I plan on doing individual stories for other pairings in this verse. Spamano will be one of them.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

_**Age Six**_

_**Pinky Promise **_

"Bruder, where are my words?" A young Ludwig Beilschmidt asked his older brother, staring at his empty wrist.

"I... I don't know, Ludwig." Gilbert replied, biting his lip as he stared at his his six-year-old brother's small, pale and plain wrist.

"But how am I supposed to meet my soulmate if I don't have words?" The blond boy asked with a curiosity only a small child of his age could have, blinking his large pale blue eyes in confusion.

"Bruder, I don't know...its just because you're...special, Ludwig. You're special. One day the words will appear, I promise." The albino told the child, somber and inwardly cringing. Of course, he knew he shouldn't have promised his little brother something he couldn't control, but when Ludwig stared at him like that, it made Gilbert want to write words on the small wrist himself.

But Ludwig was the only person he had ever heard of not having words. Here, everything was controlled by the words. Your entire destiny, your future, career, happiness... it all depended on the words on your wrist.

Gilbert's own words read _'I'll play a song just for you.'_ It was a rather strange sentence, in fancy cursive writing, and what it had to do with anything Gilbert didn't know, but at least he had one. Which was something he couldn't say for Ludwig. What kind of life would Ludwig lead if he didn't have words? He'd be outcast, he'd never find true happiness unless he had words.

"Really, bruder? One day?"

"Yeah, Ludwig, one day."

Ludwig stretched out his small pinky, and Gilbert couldn't meet those innocent eyes as he entwined his pinky finger with his brother's.

"Maybe it'll even be tomorrow. Tomorrow is a special day, maybe it'll happen. Just have hope, okay, Ludwig?" Gilbert said sullenly, trying to stay positive for his brother. But it was hard knowing what Ludwig would have to go through in the future if his words didn't appear.

Smiling happily, Ludwig's blue eyes twinkled with hope and with that he waved goodnight, turning on his heel and marching to his bedroom, pretending to be a soldier as he often did, like most little boys.

Crawling in between the sheets, he looked at his blank wrist. "Maybe tomorrow" he muttered, turning on his side to get better view of his wrist, using that moonlight that shined through his windows to see "I bet I'll wake up tomorrow, and it'll be there. My words. My words will show up, I know they will. Dear Gott, please make my words show. Please."

And then, the little wordless Ludwig clutched his wrist tightly as he drifted off into a restless sleep. The next morning, Ludwig awoke with the sun, squeezing his eyes shut as he peeled his long pajama sleeve up. Saying a quick prayer to Gott, _it will be there. It just has to be. Gilbert promised that my words would show. Please, please._

He opened his eyes quickly and his stomach twisted into knots when the same plain, pale wrist stared back at him, and he tried desperately to not let that ruin his day. Oh... and a happy birthday to him.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 7**


	4. Age Seven

**So here it is, the next chapter of Ebene. Please review! To be honest, I don't like this chapter. But I'll post it anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers **

**Vote: _Should I do bi-weekly updates instead of just weekly? If so, what days would you like me to post new chapters?_**

_**Age Seven**_

_**Smudged Marker**_

During the day, Ludwig found himself checking his wrist multiple times, hoping somehow that the words would have appeared by the time he got his juice from the fridge. Gilbert –who was slowly starting to get very self-absorbed– wouldn't have made a promise that wouldn't come true.

He had to have words, somewhere. Scratching the flesh, he rubbed the pale skin raw, hoping somehow the words would have appeared from underneath a layer of skin. He had to have words. He wanted to be like the other kids, sharing their phrases and making guesses as to who their soulmate could be, or what they'd be like.

He wanted to play the games, he wanted to decipher what his sentence meant, what type of situation his soulmate would have said that to him in. Wandering around the house, he stumbled into Gilbert's room and fished around in the desk drawers until he stumbled upon a black marker, he uncapped it and wrote '_ebene' _on his wrist where the words should have been. He had to admit, his wrist looked much better than when it was blank.

Tightening his grip, he watched as the black marker smudged on his pale wrist, staining the flesh a strange bruise-like color. It was like a cloud in a storm. The blemish he had created looked like a wrong answer that somebody tried to erase, but couldn't get the job done.

Why him? Why did he have to be the one without words? Ludwig's eyes stung as he stared at his wrist and the smudged marker ink, gripping his wrist too tightly. He had heard Gilbert talking to his mom about it before, and he knew his mom cried whenever he wore short sleeves. Or whenever he was near her.

His stomach rumbling, he scampered out of Gilbert's room and down the stairs and into the kitchen. His mother was leaning against the counter, a glass of wine in her hand as she stared out the window above the kitchen sink and sobbed to herself.

"Mama?" Ludwig called, his small feet pattering over to where she stood. "Mama, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

She blinked in surprise, putting the glass down on the counter. "Ludwig..." She quickly wiped her eyes, and plastered a smile on her face. "What're you doing here?"

"I was hungry..." He explained, putting a small hand on his rumbling stomach.

"I'll get you a snack." She said as she pulled a bowl down from the cabinet, placing it on the counter next to her wine glass as she thought of what snacks they currently had in the cupboard.

"But Mama, why were you crying?" He asked again, staring at his mother with his glassy blue eyes.

Instead of answering, Ms Beilschmidt got down on her knee so she was eye-level with her son and took his face in her hands, her eyes watering once again as she stared at him. He didn't deserve this. He was such a sweet boy, he didn't deserve to be wordless. Why had she given birth to a wordless child? Was this her fault? Was it her fault that her son was wordless, and would never find a soulmate? Was it her fault that he would never know true happiness?

What would become of this small boy standing in front of her?

"Ludwig..." She began, blinking rapidly to not let the tears fall. "I'm sorry." She told him as she pulled him into a hug, pressing his head into her shoulders. "I am so sorry. My darling special little Ludwig, I am so sorry."

She whispered her apologizes over and over, in both English and German as she hugged him tightly. Ludwig didn't entirely understand why she was crying, but he hugged his mother anyway, and suddenly he knew why she was apologizing.

Ludwig hadn't even realized that he had been crying too.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 8**


	5. Age Eight

**Alright so I am now officially updating_ every Tuesday and_ Friday so please continue to review and enjoy. And I know the chapters are short right now, but very soon they will start getting _much longer. _Like thousands of words per chapter. So please just be patient.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Eight_**

**_Silent Apathy_**

"Hey, Yao, what are your words?" A female classmate called to the Chinese boy, rushing over to him and staring at his arm as he pulled up his sleeve to show the Russian writing. _'I'm Russian, I know everything about the snow'._

"Awww, so it can't be me!" The girl whined, exposing her own wrist that had some sappy poetic words engraved onto it.

Catching the from the German boy, the two moved over to him, smiles on their faces. "Ludwig, was it?" Yao asked, pulling his sleeve back down "what are your words, aru?"

"Oh yeah, tell us!" The chipper girl said eagerly, bouncing up and down on the the soles of her feet, beaming.

Ludwig stayed silent, clutching his wrist tightly. "Come on, don't be a scaredy cat. Tell us!" The girl pried, tugging on his sleeve.

Maybe it wasn't that weird. Maybe the words would be there if he lifted up his sleeve one more time. Maybe –just maybe– the words would appear. Maybe Gott would pity him just this once, and give him words to show the other kids. Pulling his sleeve up, he exposed a bare wrist.

Ludwig tried to dispel the sinking feeling when he saw that his pale wrist was still unmarked.

"Huh?" Yao and the girl said in unison, tilting their heads to the side, thoroughly confused.

Yao blinked in realization, being the smart boy he was. "You... don't have words?" He asked, curiously and cautiously. This wasn't a known condition, after all.

"Gross!" The girl shrieked. "You're gonna be alone forever! Don't take my words!"

Ludwig of course, had no idea what she meant. Take her words? Did she think he was a thief? Her cry of 'gross' echoed in his head as he pulled down his sleeve in shame, his shoulders slumping. It was gross, wasn't it?

While she ran away to her friends to gossip about the wordless boy, Yao stood there silently, cocking his head to the side as he stared at Ludwig, as if trying to evaluate him.

"Where are your words, aru?" The Chinese boy asked, trying to figure out the new mystery that was Ludwig Beilschmidt.

"I don't have any." Ludwig answered with a sigh, thinking that if he explained his 'situation' then maybe someone would tell him it wasn't weird.

He wanted someone to say that it was okay to not have words. Someone to say that it was okay that he didn't have words, that he didn't need them. That the words didn't evaluate his self-worth or the lifestyle he would lead. That he didn't need words to be a good human being. Or maybe he just wanted someone to lie to him and say not having words wasn't that weird.

Of course, no one said anything.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 9**


	6. Age Nine

**Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews, I appreciate each and every one of them. Chapters will be longer soon, I promise. And for those of you asking, I stated in the beginning: _ebene means plain _in German. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Nine_**

**_Rubbed Raw_**

Ludwig still checked his wrist every day and every night for words. It was always blank. Soon, he stopped checking multiple times a day like he used to, and only started checking three times a day. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon and one last time in the evening.

A girl in Gilbert's class had found her soulmate the other day, he heard. _'Would you like sugar with that?' _Her wrist read in scraggly, quick handwriting. Her words had led her to a small café and she had instantly met the barista who was the love of her life. Ludwig didn't know this girl, he didn't even know her name. But he was filled with jealousy.

All she had to do was walk to the café and bam she met her soulmate. Meanwhile, Ludwig didn't even have one. That wasn't fair. It just absolutely wasn't fair. He wanted to be like them, he wanted to be like everyone else who could wear short sleeves proudly and look at their wrists and smile because they knew that one day those words would lead them to happiness.

He lifted up his sleeve again.

It was still empty.

He had heard a story of a boy who had just the date on his wrist. How lucky was that kid? To know exactly what date he had to wait for, to know that everyday of his life was preparing for him for that date. He never had to worry, never had to figure out the clues that could lead him to his soulmate. All he had to do was sit and wait, but then again, so did everyone. For everyone else, it was just a matter of time.

They all just went around their daily lives, and with each moment passing they knew they were one minute closer to meeting their soulmate. They took it for granted. They didn't know nor care that there was a young boy going throughout his life with a blank wrist.

And the people who did know shunned him for it.

He went back to his room, sitting on his bed and staring at the window blankly as he absentmindedly rubbed the skin on his wrist raw with his thumb, scratching, twisting and fiddling with the pale skin until it was a irritated pinkish red color, but Ludwig didn't notice.

It had become a comforting motion to him, the closest he could get to a hug from a dear friend. Ludwig found as much solace in this motion of rubbing his thin skin raw as any other kid his age would get from their favorite stuffed animal. His blue eyes noticed how the veins pulsed in his wrist the more he kneaded the flesh with his short clipped fingernails.

The blond couldn't recall when he had begun this habit, but one day it had started and just stuck with him. It was just his own version of sucking his thumb. A motion of nervousness, worry.

Part of him thought that having words was stupid, that he didn't need them at all. He had himself, he had Gilbert, why should he even need a soulmate? Of course, that didn't mean he didn't want one. It was a like toy he longed for at the store that everyone else had, but he didn't. He wanted this game, he had heard good reviews from his peers, but he didn't have it. Was it necessary to live? No. But would it make him happier, make life more enjoyable? Yes.

From his window, Ludwig watched couples on the street walk together hand in hand, envying the way they laughed and talked with each other, the way the boys would smile at their girlfriends or boyfriends. Their soulmates. Ludwig would never experience that, right?

No... he would. The words would appear. His words would show up somehow. He just had to have faith in the promise Gilbert made to him, right? The words would be there. He would be just like everyone else, he'd have a soulmate too. His stomach turned nauseously as he thought that, but he ignored it. Ludwig continued to stare out the window at all the happy couples, his heart stirring with negative emotions until the sky became dark and the street lights turned on, and the street was deserted.

Ludwig's heart was heavy with the feeling of despair, and as he tucked himself into bed, he thought of whether or not being alone would be really all that bad. He could survive by himself, couldn't he? Of course he could. But that didn't mean he wanted to.

If the other kids had words, surely he would too, one day. Although his thoughts were weighing him down, he stared at the ceiling with dull eyes, squinting in the darkness of his unlit room.

Each time he checked his wrist, he got more disappointed whenever words weren't there. But if he didn't check his wrist, he was always so curious and hopeful to see if his words had finally appeared. Each night was like Christmas Eve, going to bed and being excited for the next day where he would wake up and rush down the stairs and see the mountain of wrapped gifts waiting for him. But instead, every morning was like finding nothing under the tree or tucked in the stockings when he peeled up his sleeve to find it blank every morning.

He had to have faith in Gilbert's promise, right? That's all he had to do. He had to believe that he would get words, and one day his wish would come true, and he would be just like all the other kids. And then he would be able to make friends and one day get married and everything would be absolutely perfect.

The German boy leaned over and flipped his lamp on, illuminating the room with a dim light. Putting his shaky hand on the sleeve of his pale blue pajama shirt, he it tightly whilst having a mental war with himself. One part of him –the hopeful part– was cheering, saying to lift up the sleeve, saying that the words would be there. And yet the other side of him was telling him to just turn off the lamp and go to sleep. To not make himself more discouraged than he already was.

Closing his eyes tightly, the blond pulled the comforter up to his nose, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, wishing for sleep to come so he wouldn't have to think about anything regarding words and soulmates until the sun came up the next day and he had to go back to school. That evening when he went to bed, he no longer prayed to Gott to make his words appear.

That night, Ludwig went to bed without checking for words at all.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 10**


	7. Age Ten

**Thanks for all the positive reviews, I really love them. It really gets me motivated for the next chapter! Anyway, I love you all, and enjoy.**

**_Note:_ for all of you "concerned" about the side-pairings, don't be. This story will not focus on those pairings, and while it may be mentioned, it is easy to ignore. So please continue to enjoy this story. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

_**Age Ten**_

**_Birthday Wishes _**

"So... any words today?" Gilbert asked cautiously on the morning of his tenth birthday, stirring the blond boy from his sleep.

The elder brother was desperately hoping that now that Ludwig was older, the words would have shown up. They had to show up soon, didn't they? They had to. His little brother's future all depended on whether or not he had words or not. His little brother was awesome (although not quite as awesome as himself) so of course he wanted West to get words. It was only natural for him to want his brother to be happy.

The birthday boy rubbed the sleep out of his pale blue eyes with the back of his hand before flipping arm over. Blank. Ludwig shook his blond head to answer his brother's question, although it had already been obvious from Ludwig's expression what the answer was.

To Ludwig, every day that went by without words was like getting hit in the head with a chair and then run over by a car. Every day that he heard kids whispering on the playground about their words, every time he saw a group of girls giggling about who they thought their words were about, or their talks about what they dreamed their soulmate would be like.

It all just felt like he was being stabbed.

On his tenth birthday, Ludwig thought that Gott must really hate him for making him be born without words.

"Bruder, I'm sorry." Gilbert apologized, putting a hand on his shoulder "how about we make some pancakes and cook up some wurst? Sound good?"

Ludwig nodded, following his brother down to the kitchen. "Is mom home?"

Gilbert froze in place as he was pulling down the pancake mix from the cabinet. "No, Ludwig, she's not. She's working again." There was a pause, and Gilbert could tell from the look on Ludwig's face –that the boy had tried to hide– that he was extremely disappointed by their mother's mother hadn't been home lately.

She had started staying out late, coming back only for a change of clothes before leaving again. She claimed it was work, Ludwig believed her. Gilbert thought otherwise, but said nothing of it. Where she had been going, neither of them knew. But she always came home in the end, so it was alright.

A moment of silence passed, and Gilbert cringed at the hopeless expression on his young face. Why wasn't she home? It was her special little Ludwig's birthday. She should be here. Both brothers knew that, but neither said a word about it. "How 'bout we add some chocolate chips to the pancakes?"

That managed to bring a small smile to Ludwig's face, "really?" He asked, already excited for the sweet chocolate.

"Really really." Gilbert replied as he pulled down a small bag of mini chocolate chips. "You're lucky I'm the best brother in the whole world." A chuckle escaped his lips as he pulled out a mixing bowl, "I'm so awesome."

Ludwig gave him a strange look, as if to say _'really?'_

"If you don't admit that I'm awesome I'm gonna eat all the chocolate chips myself."

Blue eyes narrowed, before he sighed in defeat. "Fine, bruder, you're awesome. Now give me the chocolate."

Gilbert smirked in victory as he passed his brother the bag.

While the albino teenager was in the middle of one of his rants about how 'awesome' he was, Ludwig wondered where his mother could possibly be. It was his birthday, after all, what else did she have to do that was so much more important than celebrating the day of his birth?

Then again, he supposed that his birth wasn't one that was worth much celebrating. But still, he had to admit that it would be nice to have his mother there with them, like every other year. She was going to come home again, wasn't she?

As they were mixing the pancake batter –Gilbert dutifully stirring and Ludwig throwing small handfuls of chocolate in– Ludwig bit his lip before sighing and asking the question that had been on my mind all day.

"Bruder? Will I ever get my words?"

Gilbert was silent for a long moment, and Ludwig's heart sunk. Realizing his mistake, the albino was quick with his words. "I mean, of course you'll get your words. Don't worry Ludwig, you'll get your words. Everyone has words, you will too."

"...You hesitated. You don't know if I'll get my words, do you?" The blond asked, his eyebrows crinkling as he looked down at his feet.

Another pause. "Hey, I'm your awesome bruder, of course I know if you'll get your words. And I say that you will." The sixteen-year-old boy said with a friendly smirk, before returning to his job of stirring the pancake mix.

On his tenth birthday, Ludwig lost hope in the promise he had made with Gilbert four years previous.

The pancakes were cooking in the pan, and Ludwig stood to the side of the stove, watching as Gilbert flipped them in the air with a spatula, praising himself loudly every time he managed to flip them neatly, and Ludwig was surprised that only three of them had fallen on the floor, although was pretty sure there was going to be a pancake shaped circle on their ceiling for eternity.

"West, get a plate." Gilbert commanded, holding a pancake on a spatula. The blond dutifully obeyed, holding a yellow porcelain plate for his brother to place the breakfast food on.

They ate in silence, and the pancakes were only a little bit burnt and slightly misshapen. Gilbert slathered his four large pancakes in maple syrup, butter and whipped cream, while Ludwig cringed at the unhealthy meal his older brother was creating. He preferred to go with just a minor amount of butter and syrup.

"Is there anything special you want to do today?" Gilbert asked, spearing a cut-up portion of pancake on his fork and stuffing it in his mouth. "I didn't really plan anything awesome. So whatever not-as-awesome thing you would like to do is okay."

Rolling his eyes, Ludwig cut up a section of his pancake. "There's nothing in particular. Maybe a movie?" Maybe he'd go on a walk later. Of course, he didn't really say what he wanted to do today. What he wanted involved him, his brother and mother being together and enjoying the day. But his mom wasn't even home, so it wasn't possible.

There was always next year, right? Or maybe she was planning something extra special and didn't want to spoil it. Or she really was working, and they'd do something together tomorrow. Ludwig didn't know which theory was correct, but he did know that he wanted his mom to come home.

The German boy had already discovered that his brother's promise wasn't true, so how could anything worse happen? Part of him wanted to yell at Gilbert for lying to him, but the more reasonable side of him knew that it wasn't Gil's fault. He had just been doing his job as a big brother.

He wouldn't get words. Not even Gilbert could convince him of that now. It really was hopeless, wasn't it? Shaking his head to himself, he jabbed the pancake piece with his fork before shoving it in his mouth.

After collecting his dishes and washing them in the sink, Ludwig settled down on the couch with his taller brother (who insisted on making an 'awesome' pillow fort) they began a movie marathon. Although the blue-eyed boy wasn't entirely paying attention to the German films playing on the screen.

Thoughts swarmed in his mind, and every sound would make him glance towards the direction on the door, hoping his mother would burst through the threshold with a cake and apologize for being late, holding out her arms for a hug. But as time went on, and the sky became dark, Ludwig's eyelids grew heavy and he found himself drifting off to sleep, leaning against the arm of the couch for a pillow.

But he didn't want to fall asleep, he wanted to stay awake for when his mother came home. It was his birthday, surely she'd come home to see him. Blue eyes closing to a shut, he stayed awake, waiting for the birthday hug that was sure to come.

On his tenth birthday, Ludwig's mother did not come home that night. And when she finally opened the door early in the morning, reeking of booze and barely managing to stand, she walked passed her son who had fallen asleep on the couch, not even glancing behind her before walking to her bedroom.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 11**


	8. Age Eleven

**I hope all of you had a nice Christmas, and thanks for all the kind reviews. Enjoy this chapter! Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Eleven_**

**_Just Nod_**

"Hey bro, what do your words say?" A boy from his class was asked, his tone light and friendly.

Ludwig replied, his voice thick with his German accent and his tone laced with boredom. "Why should I tell you?"

His classmate tilted his head in confusion. "Huh?"

The rhetorical question obviously threw the other boy for a loop. Why show your words? It was just something you did. If you wanted friends, you shared your words. So obviously, you would tell everyone your words. But no, Ludwig was tired of being run away from, made fun of. He was tired of getting teased and gossiped about at recess.

He wouldn't put up with this anymore.

"I said," Ludwig repeated, narrowing his blue eyes in an emotion that wasn't quite anger, closer to irritation and weariness, "that I don't see any reason to tell someone like _you_."

"Woah man, I was just trying to be friendly. No need to be mean about it. I don't even wanna be friends with you anyway." His classmate said, eyebrows scrunching as he pivoted sharply away from Ludwig's desk and walked back to his other friends.

His teacher stared at him, having seen the exchange between Ludwig and the other boy, shaking her head sadly. She looked so disappointed. Not that it mattered. It wasn't like Ludwig would end up close to anyone, so why get attached? Why make friends? Why be friendly and nice if he was just going to end up alone?

His teacher was disappointed in him, and he knew his mother would be too if she had seen the exchange. His mom was always telling him that he was just so special that he didn't even need words, and that if he just tried a little harder he could make friends that didn't care whether he had words or not. But Ludwig didn't want friends, which was something that neither his family nor his teacher understood.

The blond didn't want friends. He didn't want people to know about the state of his plain wrist, or befriend him out of pity like other people had tried to. All people do is betray you and tease you. They ostracize you when you're different and kick you when you're already down. Ludwig swore that he didn't need friends, he didn't need words. He just needed himself, right? If he was so special like his mother and Gilbert said, surely he could get by just fine without words. The blue-eyed boy repeated that over and over in his head, making the phrase a mantra, hoping that if he continued to pretend he believed it, it would become real.

And maybe if he acted aloof enough, people would finally learn that he didn't want to talk to them in the first place, and that their requests of word sharing was futile. There was no point to engaging in small talk with people who would only end up abandoning him for their soulmate.

Straightening his back, Ludwig couldn't help but wonder whether or not that was really the life he wanted to lead. A friendless life? Was that even a life at all? Could he really get by like that? Clutching his empty wrist tightly, he realized that even if he couldn't get by like that, or didn't want to, he'd have to in order to survive.

No one wants to be friends with the wordless boy. If he had words, he probably wouldn't want to be friends with the freak with the plain wrist either.

He was born like this, and this was the life he had to lead. He was going to be forced to live out his life without words, without friends, and without a soulmate. He was going to have to continue his days without anyone by his side. He'd be just fine. Ludwig would be alone for the rest of his days.

And all Ludwig could do was sit in his desk and ask himself '_why_?'

Of course, there wasn't an answer to that question. He had been left wondering the same thing for months and months, and never did he find an answer. Rubbing his temples with the tips of his fingers, a sigh escaped his lips.

Life was boring without friends, he had to admit. He saw other kids playing around after school and passing notes in class, giggling quietly to themselves as they shared secrets and handshakes. If he had words, would he be like them too? Turning his head back to his worksheet, he filled out the answers silently and quickly, already knowing the answers.

"Ludwig, come here for a moment." The teacher commanded with furrowed eyebrows and a sugary sweet yet stern voice.

The German boy approached the desk warily, already fully aware of what she was going to say to him. This conversation happened with each and every one of his teachers sooner or later, and apparently this teacher was no different than the last.

"I'm concerned about you, Ludwig." She began, setting down her pencil and staring at him with analyzing eyes. "You're such a smart boy, and you're very sweet." _Wrong_. "And yet I never see you talking to any of your other classmates. Ludwig, do you have friends?"

Ludwig shook his head, not sadly, but honestly. It wasn't as upsetting to answer this question as it had been in the past. He was beginning to get used to it, the feeling of being alone.

"Oh, Ludwig, surely there must be someone you play with, right? Every boy your age has friends."

Blue eyes stared, unblinking. The teacher continued. "I'm aware of your... condition." She whispered, covering her mouth with her hand, as if it was a secret or she was saying the worst of cusses. "Your old teacher told me, and Ludwig, I'm sure you can still make friends even without... you know."

Why was she treating him like he was a delicate flower? As if one word would break him? She was acting as if he was a patient in the hospital, and one sentence would make his heart stop beating in his chest. Couldn't she treat him like a normal boy?

"Ludwig, you're just special." She watched him for a moment longer before snapping her fingers and pulling out a piece of notepaper from the top drawer of her desk, grabbing the previously discarded pencil. "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make an appointment for you with the school guidance councilor. I'm sure it'll help to talk out your feelings."

Oh Gott, was he being punished? In what form or way was sending him to the guidance office helpful? Didn't she understand that he didn't want to speak about it?

"Excuse me, but that's really not... necessary," the young boy finally spoke up, hoping that she would rip the paper in half and let him be on his way.

"No, Ludwig, I think it is." She flashed a tight lipped smile before continuing. "I'm worried about you, we all are." Who's we? "So, why don't you go right now? This is a free period, and I'm sure you can catch up on your schoolwork when you're home."

Well, it wasn't like he had plans to hang out with anyone after school anyway.

"Alright..." She scribbled something else on the paper, gentle and loopy cursive. "Now, go to this room and knock on the door. Just talk it out Ludwig, it'll make things easier."

What would talking do? Getting the words to pass his lips was not the problem, the problem was the words he could not even begin to form in his thoughts, the words that were not his own but someone else's said to him, harsh and judging words that had become the background noise to his life.

But instead of saying any of that, he nodded and took the piece of paper from the open palm of his teacher.

Ludwig walked down the empty halls, going up the stairs until he came across the room number listed on the paper. It looked to be around the size of a slightly large custodian closet. Knocking lightly, Ludwig sighed as he pushed open the door. Really, he'd much rather be doing his math homework right about now.

"Come in." The guidance councilor said, sitting at the table with hands knitted together and a pitiful look on his face. "I got a call from your teacher, she said you'd be coming to see me. Ludwig, correct? I'm Caleb Atkins, or Mr A, if you'd prefer." The man smiled faintly, almost like he found this to be dull.

"Mr Atkins," Ludwig began, "I don't understand... why I'm here."

"Oh, Ludwig, I think you know very well." Mr Atkins replied, motioning to the chair across the table from him for Ludwig to sit in. As Ludwig took his seat in the plush chair, he continued. "I'm aware that you don't... have many friends. Is this true?"

The blond nodded.

"And why, do you think, that is?"

Because he was a freak. He was different, wordless. There were so many reasons for him to not have friends, the list could go on forever. The other kids saw him as a quiet boy who probably thought he was better than them, which was not what he thought at all. They saw a stern and slightly scary boy while Ludwig saw himself as a waste of space. But that was not what he said.

"I have friends." He found himself saying, staring straight into the brown eyes of the guidance councilor, hoping the man wouldn't catch his lie. "They don't go to school here."

An eyebrow was raised, "oh, really?"

Ludwig nodded, wanting to hurry and leave the sad little office. "His name is Gilbert." Internally, he was cringing. What kind of loser gave the name of their older brother as the name of a friend? But Mr Atkins did not need to know that Gilbert was not, in fact, an eleven-year-old boy from the other school in town, but instead a seventeen-year-old who was actually his brother.

He just had to convince this man that he had friends, that he was happy.

"Your teacher says you don't interact much with the other kids in your class. Why is that?"

"I prefer to focus on the assignments during class."

Mr Atkins stared at him for a moment, analyzing his words. Ludwig silently prayed that his lies would pass and he'd never have to talk to this man again. "Alright, Ludwig, I'll let you return to class today. You're a very responsible young man. But I'll be checking up on you soon, so please, at least _try_ to make friends."

Once again, the blond nodded his head, getting out of his seat and walking towards the door. Once in the hall, he closed the door behind him before sighing and straightening his shoulders and heading back to class. If teachers were always going to be like this, reporting him to guidance councilors and things like that, he would either have to try and make some friends and be like all the other kids, and pretend that it was normal he didn't have words. Join sports teams and after school clubs, make friends with the boys who poked fun at him and laughed at each other's crude and hurtful jokes or continue lying.

"How'd it go?" The teacher asked as he entered the room, obviously eager to see if her advice of 'talking out his feelings' had helped. "Was it helpful? Are you feling better?"

For the fifth time that day, Ludwig nodded.

Making his way back to his solitary desk, Ludwig had decided that he could get used to lying. Ultimately, all it took was a nod to make people think that he was okay.

_To be continued _

**Coming next: Age 12**


	9. Age Twelve

**I'm very happy that you all enjoyed reading about Ludwig's character development, and all of your reviews make me smile. Thank you so much! I hope you continue to enjoy this story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Twelve_**

**_Bravest Face_**

Ludwig had started to ponder why he even needed a soulmate in the first place. Why did _anyone_ need a soulmate? It was just another person to let you down. Just another person to disappoint you. If anyone asked, he didn't want a soulmate anyway.

At least, that's what he said.

Of course, in the retreat of his own bedroom, the blond would fiddle with the plain skin of his wrist and stare out the window at all the passing couples. That was his hobby. People watching. Or more specifically, couple watching.

Just watching the people walk hand-in-hand with their soulmate, or that little smile someone would get on their face as they stared at the phone screen and you just _knew_ that it was because they were texting a special someone. Ludwig watched all these couples, all these lovers, knowing he would never have one of his own.

He lived out his fantasy of having a soulmate by watching everyone else have one.

Hell, he didn't _want_ a soulmate anyway.

Ludwig had grown up learning that the most important thing in the world was having a soulmate. He had taken mandatory classes in school on how to properly treat a soulmate, the type of lifestyle you would lead after meeting your soulmate. He couldn't even remember the amount of assignments he had been forced to complete about the history of soulmates, or famous pairs of soulmates. The blond was getting really sick and tired of hearing the word 'soulmate'. Soulmate, soulmate, _soulmate_. That's all they ever said. It was repetitive like a broken record and frustrating like a mosquito biting your skin that you couldn't ever catch.

Today, they had had a class just to talk about this one woman hundreds of years ago who never met her soulmate, although she had words on her wrist, and the miserable existence she lived.

The children had laughed at her. All his peers poked fun at this woman, saying how it was worthless of her to do that, and the girls whined about why would she ever want to pass up on meeting her true love and the boys made jokes about how she was a crazy lady for trying to live life without a soulmate. Of course, all during their laughter and jests about this woman, they did not know that there was a boy sitting silently in their class, alone at his desk, without any words at all.

The German boy sat at his desk for the remainder of that class as the other students used the free time to continue to tease the woman whom had died hundreds of years ago, and Ludwig lifted up his sleeve just a tiny bit, just enough to see a sliver of pale flesh. He already knew there wouldn't be words, that wasn't what he was checking. Putting his other hand on his wrist, he began rubbing at the skin, deep and slow.

Back and forth, back and forth, he dragged his short nails across his skin. Twisting, pinching, scratching, he felt stress leave him as he watched his skin turn an irritated deep pink color. Tweaking, pulling, wringing the skin of his wrist until it was no longer close to its original pale color. Yanking his sleeve back down, Ludwig sat quietly for the rest of class, trying not to hear the words spoken loudly from his peers about the so-called "crazy lady."

Ludwig didn't speak much, to anyone, after that class. He nodded and answered when called on, but had stopped greeting people in the morning and telling his teacher to have a nice day after he left their class. He convinced himself that it was pointless anyway.

On that same afternoon after hearing his teacher gush about her oldest daughter finally meeting her soulmate, he put on a brave face during all the classes as people gossiped about the newest couple or their newest fantasy about their soulmate, and all during that time he knew. He knew he was different, no matter what Gilbert said.

And so that afternoon at school, he wore his bravest face, and he did his best to look strong in front of everyone. When a teacher said hello, he would greet them back, but quietly, softly, barely moving his lips at all. Ludwig did his best to make sure no one knew what he was thinking. He wore that mask like a professional, instead of a twelve-year-old kid.

He wore his bravest face, and he tried his hardest. But still, he knew. He knew he wasn't actually strong. And the more he tried to hide it, the more ashamed he felt. The more he began to feel the pit in his heart deepening, and the more he began to look in the mirror and hate what he saw. The more he wore that brave face, the more he began to fear that everyone else would hate him more if they knew.

If they all knew how scared he was of being alone. If they all knew how scared he was that he really would be unloved forever. Maybe that was the reason that on that same afternoon in mid-April, he stepped into his bedroom and shoved his face into his hands and cried for all he was worth.

Ludwig shed tears he didn't know he could possibly have, he sobbed until there was no water left inside of him to escape. And when Gilbert came knocking on his door after having arrived home from hanging out with his friends, he croaked out a hoarse _'I'm fine'_ and Gilbert didn't question it.

Instead of watching the couples walk down the street from his window, he slammed his head into the soft pillow on his bed and let the tears fall down his face, fat and salty. The blond could taste the salt on his tongue, could feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. He could feel the fabric of his pillow become damp and cold with his tears, and he could feel the shuddering of his heart.

Inside of him, something had changed. Before he had never cried like this, had never cried so hard that words failed him, had never cried so hard that he found it hard to breathe. Inside of him, he could feel the mass gut-wrenching ball of sorrow and despair grow larger. Inside he could hear the sound of his heart breaking just a little bit more, could feel his hope leaving. Inside of him, all of this changed. But on the outside, nothing did. That night, little Ludwig Beilschmidt cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, little Ludwig Beilschmidt wiped the stray tears off of his cheeks and once again put on his bravest face.

_To be continued _

**Coming next: Age 13**


	10. Age Thirteen

**I hope you all had a happy new year and holiday season, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks so much for all the reviews! On a completely separate note, it turns out my studying abroad program won't work out because it's too expensive for me right now, so I'm a bit distracted. Sorry if I missed any errors. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Thirteen_**

**_Ugly Duckling_**

"You're just special, bruder, that's all."

That's what Gilbert would always say. It was his job as the big brother. To make sure his little brother wasn't in any more pain than he had to be, right? Ludwig had long ago figured out that special just meant _weird_.

"Ludwig, my special boy, have your words appeared yet?" His mom would ask him every morning, and every morning Ludwig would reply with a 'no'.

Every morning the blond boy would shake his head upon being asked that question, watching as his mother's tight smile twisted into a sad grimace one again. He never had that heart to tell her that he didn't care if he had a soulmate anyway.

"Oh, liebling, it's okay. Your words will appear soon, because you're special. Words have to appear for someone special like you."

Ludwig was really starting to hate the word special.

'_Otherwise different from what is usual_' was the dictionary definition of that accursed word, and that's all it was. Special was just a synonym for different. _Extraordinary_. But what if he didn't want to be special, or different, or even extraordinary? Ludwig just wanted to be Ludwig. A plain ordinary Ludwig with words like a _normal_ person.

Special was just another word for uncommon, unique, outstanding, exceptional, _freaky_. He wasn't exceptional in looks or intelligence. He wasn't outstanding in personality or traits. He didn't have dashing good looks that made all the girls swoon or intelligence that made prodigies jealous.

He didn't have anything.

He didn't even have words.

One rainy night, Ludwig lay exhausted in his bed, wanting to close his eyes and fall asleep but not being able to. He had been up for hours, just thinking and thinking of all the bad things the word 'special' meant. Oh, how he wished to just close his eyes and slip into a dreamless sleep.

But still, he wasn't special. Perhaps it was everyone else who was special, and he was just nothing? He wasn't anything at all. Just boring, wordless Ludwig.

Sighing with frustration, he pulled himself out of bed, deciding it would be best to clear his head with a cold glass of water. Or maybe warm milk would help him fall asleep? Quietly walking into the kitchen, he crossed the threshold to be greeted with the sight of his mother, poised with her one hand on the doorknob and her other hand clutching a large bag and her car keys.

"Oh, Ludwig, you're awake?" She asked, biting her lip and looking away from his gaze, her hand still not leaving the doorknob.

Ludwig nodded, still watching his mother curiously. "Yeah," he paused before asking "are you going somewhere?"

There was silence in reply, and just as Ludwig was thinking that perhaps he should turn away and pretend this never happened -screw his glass of water- his mother spoke up.

"Y-yes I am. They needed an extra person for work tonight, and I was the only one free. Besides, they offered to pay me double." She flashed her classic tight-lipped smile. "And we can always use the extra money for something my special little Ludwig wants, right?"

Once again the blond boy nodded, choosing not to ask about the bag or why her work would need someone coming into the office at 1:36 in the morning, for he was far too tired to even start to think of forming those questions into words.

Forgetting his desire for water, he turned to leave the kitchen to make his way back to the staircase, but softly spoken words stopped him.

"I'll see you when I get home, liebling." A silence covered the room like a layer of dust and she shuffled her feet before picking up her large bag once again. "You'll get your words, okay? You have to. You just have to. I know you will, I know it. Please, get your words and just be happy..." She trailed off, once again biting her lip.

At this, Ludwig turned to her, his drooping, tired eyes filled with other emotions. His blue orbs swirled with confusion, love and something close to hope. And her eyes of a different blue hue sparkled in the dim light, unspoken apologies lingering in the air.

She gave a smile, although it was small and turned into more of a grimace. The rattling of the keys and the faint metallic twisting of the doorknob filled his ears, and she muttered her words of goodnight. Ludwig turned away and headed back up the staircase, the click of the door closing the only sound. That night he lay in bed, the click of the door shutting echoing in his ears.

Finally managing to fall into a restless sleep, Ludwig went to bed with a heavy heart without knowing exactly why his chest felt like there was a large weight resting on it.

The next morning when he woke up, cobalt eyes opening a sliver before blinking and trying to adjust to the light. With a yawn, Ludwig shoved the comforter off his body, and got out of the warm bed. As he was walking down the hallway, the German boy remembered it was Saturday.

Saturdays were Ludwig's favorite day. Saturdays meant he was done with school for the week and didn't have to worry about it for a couple of days. Which meant he didn't have to hear about soulmates or words or the muttered teasing and whispers of hatred from his peers.

Either way, Saturdays were his favorite days. Besides the fact that he didn't have school, his mom always woke up before him, although Ludwig was constantly waking up far earlier than an average thirteen-year-old boy would like to, and she would always make pancakes for him and Gilbert. The pancakes were so mouthwatering that even nineteen-year-old Gilbert tried to come home for as many Saturdays as he could, although that wasn't many.

Gilbert had left for college the previous year, and although the college wasn't far from here, the albino teen didn't always manage to drag his ass from the dorms to their house by the time breakfast was ready, so he tended to only come home for holidays. But when he did come home, the 'awesome' Gilbert would crawl out of his bed for pancakes.

It was an unspoken tradition between Ms Beilschmidt and her two children and Ludwig loved it. The smell of pancakes would fill the house for the afternoon, and the scent of maple syrup would follow him throughout the morning. Sometimes, his mom would add things into the pancake batter, like blueberries or chocolate chips. If he wanted to, he could add whipped cream on top like Gilbert did.

Making his way down the stairs, Ludwig inhaled deeply, prepared to have the warm sweet scent of freshly cooked pancakes in his nose. But this Saturday morning, there was no sweet blueberry pancake scent, nor the scent of maple syrup. Crossing the threshold into the kitchen, he saw that not only were there not the expected pancake breakfast waiting for him, but also no mother.

This struck Ludwig as odd, seeing how his mother was an even earlier riser than he was, and she had never broken the unspoken Saturday morning agreement before. Eyebrows scrunching in confusion, the blond turned back to the staircase and trekked his way to the door of his mother's bedroom.

The door was shut, and Ludwig briefly wondered if she was sleeping. Curiosity getting the better if him, he lifted his fist and knocked lightly on the bedroom door before pushing it open and walking in. The room was as it always was, clean and tidy. Not a speck of dust lay put of place and the most curious thing was that her bed was made neatly, as if no one had slept in it at all. The pillows were fluffed to perfection and the quilt had not one wrinkle.

If she wasn't sleeping, then where could she be? There's no way that work would keep her until eight– almost nine– in the morning from the time she left last night... although he knew some work places created shifts like that, his mother's tended not to. Where could she have gone? About to turn away, Ludwig halted upon seeing a notecard lying atop the pillowcase.

Reaching a pale hand out, he flipped the card open and read the words written in dainty German letters with widened eyes.

"I'm so sorry, my special little Ludwig..." The blond read aloud, translating the written German to English as he spoke with glassy eyes and a trembling voice. "I just can't be with you anymore."

The card continued, and his mother's voice echoed in his head with each word. He kept reading, voice shaking more with each sentence. Stomach twisting into knots, he choked out the words. "I'm sorry for giving you this life, and I'm sorry you don't have words." His eyes burned. Like hellfire.

"I'm sorry I'm a failure of a mother."

_No_. That wasn't it, she wasn't a failure, didn't she see that? Ludwig was the failure, he was the one who failed to be a good son.

He was at the end of the card.

The lump in his throat grew larger but he swallowed it down. "Auf Wiedersehen." Slipped from his mouth in his native tongue. "My special little Ludwig. I'm going home to Germany to find your father. I'm sorry."

His first thought was a series of the same question: why? Followed by confused angry rantings towards his mother. His eyes continued to scan the small notecard, hoping that somehow it would tell him the answer to all his questions. This couldn't be happening, not on pancake Saturday. Or ever. How could she? Why? Why couldn't she stay with him?

She was his mother, and now she had left him too. No one wanted to stay with him. He would just be alone. If his own mother couldn't stand to be with him, who could? No wonder he didn't have a soulmate.

Tears pooled in his eyes, before slipping down his cheeks. Ludwig harshly swiped at them, hoping they'd stop. He shouldn't be crying, he couldn't cry. If he cried, it would mean that this was real. That he was actually being abandoned, left all alone.

His father had left. Gilbert was off at college. And now his mother had left too, and it was all his fault. His dad left because he was a wordless child, and now his mother left because of him also. Hell, Gilbert probably left because of him too. His older brother had probably been so desperate to get into a college somewhere that just wasn't here just so he wouldn't have to be with Ludwig anymore, right? This was all his fault. No one wanted to be stuck with a wordless child.

He re-read the card once again. 'My special little Ludwig' she had called him. Special. Gilbert called him that too, as did the teachers. Special. Oh Gott, he hated that word. The sound it made when it left someone's lips was worse than any curse, and he hated it. He loathed being called special.

Ludwig remembered how his mother would get that hurt expression on her face whenever he said that he still didn't have word, or that pitying look she would give him whenever she said she loved him.

'I love you, I love you.' She would say, and Ludwig wanted to scream that it isn't love if you have to force yourself to say the words, it isn't love if you're only saying it out of pity. She said it because she knew that no one else would ever say it to him.

To say he was special was a lie. A stupid lie to tell a wordless, unloved child. He wasn't special, he wasn't anything. He was nothing. Ludwig was different, that was true. He wiped at the fat tears coursing down his cheeks, and the card fell from his hand, brushing gently against the floor like a fallen rose petal.

He wasn't different in a special way, he was just different. He was the 'ugly duckling', the unwanted one. He was the boy who was never welcomed into groups, he was the kid who was never invited to the birthday parties when everyone else was. He was the child even his own mother didn't want.

He was the boy nobody _ever_ wanted.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 14**


	11. Age Fourteen

**Hello! I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to review! I'm really stressed out with finals and stuff, but I'll do my best to update in a timely manner nonetheless.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Fourteen_**

**_New Home_**

A little over a year ago, back when he was thirteen, Ludwig had called his older brother in tears over the phone, reading out the note once again in shaky German. Gilbert hadn't said much, but a few hours later Ludwig had opened the door to find Gilbert standing there, suitcase in hand.

They ended up moving shortly after that, just the two of them. An apartment close to Ludwig's future high school, where the rent was cheap. Gilbert, at the age of nineteen, became his younger brother's legal guardian. He claimed it was what any big brother who was as awesome as he was would do, but Ludwig knew that wasn't true.

Gilbert transferred out of his dream college upstate to a small community college down the road, where he took part-time classes. The albino teen managed to get a job, and took what classes in the morning as he spent most of his afternoons and evenings working so he could provide for the two of them.

Back then, Ludwig had been bitter and barely spoke. His mother left because of him, he understood that, but she shouldn't have taken it out on Gilbert too. Didn't she think about his this would affect her other son? Didn't she think at all? It had been selfish of her. To leave without a trace, without a form of contact. She had abandoned her sons, and Ludwig couldn't help but wonder what would have happened to him if Gilbert hadn't been there. What would he have done then?

It hurt Ludwig to know she left, but he couldn't even imagine how Gilbert felt about it. He was older, he got more time to bond with their mother. And she had left because of Ludwig. Did Gilbert resent him for that? He wouldn't blame Gilbert if he did. After all, he had so many reasons to hate Ludwig. Their mother and father leaving, having to move from their childhood home. And of course, the fact that Gilbert could no longer attend his dream college.

Ludwig was officially the worst younger brother to ever exist.

Regardless, the blond was now fourteen and a freshman in high school. Classes were stressful, but simple. Walking out of his small bedroom, he grabbed a breakfast bar from the box on the counter.

"Bruder, are you up?" Gilbert called from the living room. "Grab me one of those granola bar thingies."

Doing as told, Ludwig fished another out of the box before heading to the living room, watching as his brother tied his shoe and shoved on his coat in a hurry. Stretching out his hand, he offered the snack, which Gilbert hastily grabbed and unwrapped before shoving it in his mouth.

"I got one class today, engineering." The twenty-year-old man said with his mouth full, chewing between words. "Then I gotta go straight to work. Don't wait up, okay? The awesome me will see you later."

Ludwig nodded. "Alright, good luck. Don't forget to eat your lunch." He reminded, hoping his brother had grabbed it from the fridge.

Ever since Gilbert had gotten the miserable job, Ludwig had begun preparing lunch for the red-eyed boy. Shortly after they moved, it had been obvious that Gilbert hadn't been eating as much as he used to, and after some persuasion, Ludwig managed to convince Gilbert to let him make lunch for him daily.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. See ya later, West." Gilbert said, rolling his eyes before leaving, closing the door as he left.

Ludwig walked back to his bedroom, grabbing his backpack before finishing his small granola bar and stuffing on his shoes. With a sigh, he left the apartment, locking the door behind him.

As soon as he got to class, he slumped in his chair before pulling out the necessary binders and materials. Earth Science was never the most enjoyable class in his opinion, and with the grouchy teacher who could never seem to properly organize an assignment, it was not the best way to start off the morning.

The short and stout balding man he called a teacher growled at some of the students passing by, a seemingly friendly smile on his face. Of course, every student who actually took the class knew otherwise.

"Hey, freak." A boy in basketball shorts said, sneering down at Ludwig from where he stood in front of the blond's desk. "What're you doin' here?"

"Attending class, what does it look like?"

"Why the hell is a freak like you allowed in the school? Shouldn't you be locked up somewhere?" The boy- Todd, asked rhetorically. "Or are you only here so you don't have to be in that shitty ass apartment you live in?"

He tried not to become hurt by Todd's words, and his eyebrows scrunched in irritation. Gilbert did his best for them, it wasn't his fault they could only afford so much. It may not be the classiest apartment, but it put a roof over their heads.

"How did you know where I live? Are you stalking me?" Ludwig asked, bored, as he pulled out his pencil.

Todd grimaced, scrunching his nose like he smelled a rotting corpse. "No, fag, as much as you would like that. I was driving home and I saw you."

Fag. What an ugly term. Not looking up at the other boy, Ludwig hoped the bell would ring already. He went through this confrontation everyday, and he had to admit it was getting dull. Hurtful nonetheless, but still dull.

"Well, freak, did ya know that no one wants you here? Go back to Germany or something. Just go away already."

And then, the shrill bell rung, and Todd slinked off to his seat in the back of the room, cronies following dutifully behind him.

* * *

><p>The classes went by quickly enough, and after spending lunch alone as he always did, Ludwig was in his World Civilizations class by the time the teacher called him aside after talking in hushed tones on the phone.<p>

"Ludwig." He began, scratching at his brown beard. "Mr. Atkins wants you to go to the guidance office. Pack up your bag and go, class is almost over. Read pages 90 to 95 in your textbook tonight, and have a nice weekend."

The German boy nodded, grabbing his belongings and ignoring the whispered muttering from the other students as he walked out the door. It was always like this, whenever he got caller to the guidance office. Peers would mumble and mutter amongst themselves, spreading rumors to their friend about why they thought Ludwig was going to see Mr. Atkins.

Some said it was for grief counseling, others said it was to work on anger issues. Some kids even went as far to say it was because they were doing scientific experiments on him to figure out why he was wordless. Either way, the entire student body agreed on one thing: that Ludwig was a freak.

Only weirdos and losers with mental problems went to see Mr. Atkins, everybody knew that. Jenny Moore had an eating disorder and Greg Warner tried to kill himself. Only freaks saw Mr. Atkins.

Knocking on the door, Ludwig heard the soft answer from Caleb Atkins as he pushed open the door. This happened monthly. Mr. Atkins went from school to school, helping kids that he deemed 'unsafe', and he always made sure to check in on Ludwig.

They had talked a few times, although Ludwig would never divulge any actual information, they both knew that. Sometime snippets of things, other times nothing. As far as Mr. Atkins was aware, Ms. Beilschmidt was still in the picture and Gilbert was away at college.

"Good afternoon, Ludwig. How's school been?"

Ludwig sat in the plush blue seat, back straight. "It's fine."

"Are you stressed out at all?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the blond replied. "Not really." His algebra quiz hadn't been the easiest thing in the world, but it certainly wasn't the hardest.

"Do you like any of your classes?" Mr. Atkins continued with the generic questions as he always did, hoping to someday get a more informative response.

"A few."

Sighing, Mr. Atkins pushed his glasses higher up on his nose before continuing. "Alright, Ludwig, lets get to the real questions, shall we?" He didn't wait for a response before continuing. "We both know why you're here, and I'd hate to waste your time by asking unimportant questions."

The blue-eyed teen blinked before nodding. He'd much rather be in class right now than dealing with this. It was just added stress, and it was annoying to have to lie all the time. But he already knew that if he told the truth, he'd be locked up in some mental hospital in the middle of nowhere.

"So, have you gotten your words yet?" The older man asked, briefly glancing at Ludwig's wrist that was covered by a green sleeve.

"No, not yet."

The older man nodded. "I see. And how do you feel about that?"

Ludwig paused, carefully considering his words before opening his mouth. Empty, lonely, miserable. "I feel fine." But he knew he was not as fine as he seemed.

"Is that true?"

Only slight hesitation before Ludwig spoke again. "Yes."

The man stared at him skeptically, clipboard resting on his lap as he rested one leg on top of the other. "Why don't you ever tell me the truth, Ludwig? You know you can trust me, right? Anything you say stays between you and I, unless I think you're a danger to yourself or to others, then I'll have to call your mom."

You couldn't even if you tried. "I understand."

"And even knowing that, you're still not comfortable with telling me the truth? Have you ever thought about getting counseling sessions outside of school? I can recommend a few places. But tell me, Ludwig, have you had any thoughts about hurting yourself? I've seen you over the years, and I'll admit you're expressing worrying behavior."

Ludwig's cobalt eyes widened, alarmed. What did that mean? What part of his behavior was worrying? "Mr. Atkins-"

The phone rang, a shrill shriek emitting from the device sitting on the desktop. "One second, hold on to that thought." Mr. Atkins told him as he reached over to pick up the phone, pressing the receiver to his ear. "Hello? Caleb Atkins speaking." There was a pause as he listened to the voice on the other end. "Yes, I understand. Alright, I'm with someone right now, but we're wrapping up."

After scribbling hasty words on the notepad sitting on the desk, he hung up the phone, a tight smile on his lips. "Sorry Ludwig, I'm afraid I have a pressing matter right now. But I'll check in with you next month, alright?"

"Alright." The teen agreed, standing up and walking to the door, nodding his head in goodbye to the older man before leaving.

* * *

><p>Ludwig was hoping that Gilbert would be home by the time he got back to the apartment, although he knew Gil would still be at work.<p>

"I'm home..." He called out, regardless of he fact that he knew there wouldn't be a reply. As he thought, no one spoke back to him, and he made his way to his room.

His room was small, light blue walls and a singular window. His bed was pressed against the corner walls, a table beside it with a lamp. Photos of himself, Gilbert and his mother covered few spots on the walls.

It wasn't much, but it was home now. It was more than he deserved. He was thankful just to have Gilbert there taking care of him. If it wasn't for Gilbert, he'd be out on the streets by now or in some crappy foster care. Although Gilbert was vain, constantly stating how awesome he was and fully believing he deserved the best, when it came down to it, he was a good brother.

Their new apartment wasn't the largest place in the world, nor the best. But it was theirs. It smelled like burnt pizza and wurst, and Gilbert's posters of bands and movies decked the walls of every available room. Dishes stacked the counters whenever Gilbert was home until Ludwig couldn't stand it any longer. It wasn't very spacious, and the neighbors were annoying as hell, but it was something.

It was home.

Plopping down on his bed, he stared at his plain white ceiling. He couldn't help but wonder, if he was so special, why did his mother leave? It'd been a year and there had been no phone calls, no texts or emails. No letters, postcards or packages. It was as if she had dropped off the face of the planet. Had she even found father? How long had she planned on leaving? Had it been a quick, rushed decision that popped in her head in the late hours of the night? Had she been carefully and skillfully planning every move of her escape?

Gilbert had told him that is was pointless to think about such things, that it'd do nothing but make him sad. Gilbert said he shouldn't live in the past, promised that she was happy. Gilbert said that she still loved them. But then again, Gilbert said a lot of things. His older brother was a good brother, but it didn't mean that everything he said was true. For instance, eight years ago Gil had said that he would get his words, and he still hadn't.

He never would.

But Gilbert kept promising him that it'd happen. It was like making a friend and promising to hang out, and having them say they'd call to find out the details. Months pass, and you remember that you never actually hung out with that person at all.

Reaching over, he picked up the hardcover book from the bedside table. Flipping it open, he dropped the bookmark beside him before starting the new chapter. Yet another story about two people meeting and falling in love because of their words. Reading books like this made him wonder what it'd be like to have words. More specifically, what his soulmate would be like.

Would they be a girl, a boy, both or none, someone in between? What would they look like? Their hobbies, personality? He wanted to know all the little quirks about them, all the little habits. Of course, that brought him to remember that there was no soulmate to learn about, and there never would be.

Closing the book, he didn't bother bookmarking his page as he put it back on his nightstand. Was this the closest he'd ever get to having someone special to him? Creating some fantasy soulmate in his head, reading about fictional characters in books and wishing they were real?

Was this what his entire life would be like? Sighing, Ludwig forced himself to get off his bed and dragged himself into the kitchen. School lunch was crap and he could barely stomach it, so by this time he was starving. Getting the pot from the cupboard he filled it with water and set in on the stove burner. As soon as the water boiled, he was going to make delicious wurst.

Looking around, he looked at the cheap clock and the posters of different foods and bands decorating the walls. Gilbert had done more than he ever should've had to at his age, providing for the two of them like this. Snapping out of his thoughts in time to notice the water begin to bubble over the edge of the pot, Ludwig knew that he would never deserve to call this place home.

_To be continued _

**Coming** **next: Age 15**


	12. Age Fifteen

**Hello everyone! Thanks for all the reviews and o regret to say that my internet will be really really crappy for the next few days before I can get someone to come and fix it. So that's kinda the reason this chapter sucks, also the fact that right now I don't have any extra time for this. Anyway, enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

_**Age Fifteen**_

**_Sunset and Nightfall_**

"Bruder, there's someone I want you to meet."

Ludwig looked up from the textbook on his desk, his eyes staring confused at Gilbert who was now standing in his doorway, a grin on his face. "Yes?"

There was a shuffling of feet, and a soft whisper from an unknown voice. A moment later, a boy in a deep purple sweater that matched his eyes stepped out from behind a Gilbert to stand next to him, their hands knitted together.

"This is my soulmate, Roderich Edelstein." Gilbert explained, looking from his younger brother to his boyfriend. "Roddy, this is West."

"Yes, you have mentioned him before." The man with beautiful violet eyes hidden by glasses said, voice thick with a strange accent. Giving a soft smile, he looked at Ludwig thoughtfully before nodding. "It is nice to meet you, Ludwig."

Ludwig was at a loss for words. His brother had found his soulmate. His heart swelled with different emotions, part of him proud and happy for his older brother who he knew had been eager to meet the love of his life for many years now, and the other part of him saddened and jealous.

His brother had found his soulmate, and yet he didn't even have words.

But as jealous and sad as he was, he had to admit that the two of them looked good together. Roderich's deep brown hair contrasted sharply with Gilbert's own white hair, and their eyes suited each other nicely, like sunset and nightfall.

Knowing that just made the hole in Ludwig's heart grow larger.

"Ja... it is nice to meet you as well, Roderich." The blond forced himself to choke out, nodding and spreading a smile on his face. "I'm very happy for you, Gilbert."

Gilbert beamed, happy to have his younger brother's approval. "Roderich is really awesome, almost as awesome as me!"

"How'd you meet?" Ludwig asked, although he wasn't entirely sure if he actually wanted to know. He was happy for his brother, he truly was, but he couldn't shake the feeling of utter despair that edged it's way into his heart.

He didn't really want to hear another love story while his own would never even exist. The more love stories he heard of soulmates meeting and falling in love, the more he wanted to break down, the more he wanted to give up on the belief that his own words would appear one day.

Another bright smile from Gilbert, and Ludwig noticed Roderich's own lips twisting in a happy smile. "Luddy, the story is totally awesome! Which is only fitting considering the two of us are so awesome!" Gilbert said, excitement coating his tone as he pulled Roderich into the room to tell the tale.

"See, bruder, I was walking around the college hallways cause I was totally bored and I heard this really cool piano music coming from down the hall..." Gilbert paused to smile at his boyfriend. "And when I went to investigate, I saw Roddy playing the piano. He looked really cool, so I went to say hey."

Gilbert's words read '_I'll play a song just for you_', Ludwig knew that. So he couldn't help but be curious as to what Roderich's words said as well.

"My words say '_I'm awesome, but you're pretty awesome too_', in case you were wondering." Roderich said with a kind smile, as if reading Ludwig's mind.

Ludwig had to refrain from rolling his eyes. Of course that would be one of the first things Gilbert said to his soulmate. He couldn't help but sympathize with Roderich, who had fallen in love with his 'awesome' idiot of a brother, and would now have to deal with his antics.

"Bruder, isn't Roderich awesome?" Gilbert asked, obviously looking for his brother's praise on having such a handsome soulmate.

"Yes, bruder, Roderich is awesome." Ludwig answered with a small smile, knowing his brother wouldn't leave him alone until he had gotten the answer he wanted. And of course, Ludwig wasn't lying. Roderich seemed like a nice person, and he was sure that the brunette would be good for his brother, and he seemed like a practical, agreeable person. "I hope you two are happy together."

"Of course we are! We're soulmates!" Gilbert said, puffing out his chest with pride.

Ludwig turned back to his textbook, pouring all his hurt, disappointment and other emotions into studying for the irritating earth science test coming up in a few days. There was a silence as Roderich and Gilbert stood in the doorway, wondering if they should continue the conversation or simply leave, and the two exchanged looks before Roderich began to walk back down the hallway.

Gilbert turned to follow his boyfriend, before confidently speaking. "You'll get your soulmate one day too, Luddy." And walking away.

Ludwig flipped his textbook shut with a grunt, and couldn't help but think that Gilbert was just lying to him. Would he ever get his Roderich? He wanted someone to have words that matched his, he wanted someone's hand to hold. He wanted someone to introduce to Gilbert.

It'd been a long time since he last believed in that promise Gilbert had made to him. If it hadn't come true then, why would it come true now? Why would he get his words now, when he was fifteen, instead of when he was born?

Why did he have to be the one without words?

For what he regretted to say wasn't the first time in his life, he was starting to wish he had never been born in the first place.

But the thought that did pop up in his mind for the first time in his life was the thought of '_you can't do anything about the fact you were born, but you can do something about being alive_.'

For the first time in his life, Ludwig started to ponder what would happen if he took his own life.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 16**


	13. Age Sixteen

**Hello everyone! Thanks so much for the reviews and I'm sorry this chapter is rather short, I don't have much time to write during Finals week. Anyway, enjoy.**

**Note: this chapter is rather short because the next one is particularly long.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers **

**_Age Sixteen_**

**_Lunchtime Laughter_**

"Ludwig, Ludwig! Ludwig's gonna be alone forever!" The kids chanted as the German teenager walked by their lunch table. "You're gonna die alone, Beilschmidt!"

Ludwig ignored the other teenage boys, choosing instead to pay attention to his grumbling stomach. In school, lunch never came fast enough. Instead it was class after class, endless assignments and teachers droning on and on about things nobody cared about. He passed their table without a word, without a glance. Selecting the table farthest away from those rude kids as he could, the German boy unpacked his lunch silently, as always.

Damn, he really was starving. He had forgotten to eat breakfast after working out, and that had clearly effected his appetite. His workout had been more vigorous than usual, which certainly wasn't helping his hunger issues.

Gilbert had made his lunch today, and although it was just a simple sandwich, it looked delicious. Soft, fresh bread from the bakery a few blocks away and slices of different meats and cheeses. Produce they had bought on sale a few days ago made it complete.

"Ha! What a freak!" Another kid muttered from the table over, glaring daggers at him.

That's right, he wasn't like them, so they hated him. He didn't have words on his wrist, so he was ostracized. Feared and pitied. Taunted. Staring at his lunch, Ludwig's blue eyes narrowed sharply.

"Hey bro," he heard the a kid whisper to the other boy, "doesn't he have any words? Doesn't he have a soulmate?" The kid asked quietly.

Of course, Ludwig could still hear them. He could always hear them. Dammit, couldn't they just text each other this shit? Why did he have to hear it too? He already knew he was different, he already knew he didn't have words, nor a soulmate. So why did he have to hear it from other people too?

The other boys didn't just have the decency to move to a different table or discuss the topic somewhere else. It was irritating, and he already knew that he couldn't do anything to stop them from gossiping about him. A few times, he had spoken out, telling them to stop talking shit about him, to leave him alone and mind their own business. It had almost ended in a fist fight.

The other boy just laughed at his friend's questions. "No, Beilschmidt doesn't have words because he's a freak. And of course he doesn't have a soulmate. Who'd ever fall in love with that scary-ass prick?" The boy laughed again. "No one would ever wanna be soulmates with that creepy fucker."

Yet another laugh sounded through the cafeteria before the kid spoke again. "If I was his soulmate, I'd kill myself."

The boy's laughter rung through his heads and did his words. Curling his hand into a fist, he felt his short fingernails dig into the palm of his skin, forming angry red crescents. In his seat at the empty cafeteria table, he reached out and pushed his lunch across the table, out of his sight.

Another annoying round of laugher before someone else spoke. "Yeah, he should just do his family a favor and kill himself already."

Ludwig wasn't hungry anymore.

_To be continued_

**Next chapter: Age 17**


	14. Age Seventeen

**Thanks so much for all the reviews, I really hope you enjoy this chapter. However, I must admit there is a _trigger warning _for the last part of the chapter. And also, anything written in this chapter (emotions and actions) are things I have done/felt so if you think I portrayed this inaccurately, I apologize, but I'm basing this off of my own experiences. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Seventeen_**

**_Bleeding Art_**

It all just felt as if someone had torn his heart from his body and ripped it up like a failed test before shoving it back into his chest.

He had to do something to rid himself of this feeling, right? This feeling of hopelessness, despair and self-hatred. Those feelings were consuming his heart, his very being. Ludwig hated it, he hated everything.

But most of all, he hated himself.

Ludwig hated his blond hair, his dull blue eyes. He hated how tall and muscular he was, it made him seem like a large monster. He hated seeing the teenager in the mirror everyday and knowing that was him. He hated knowing that the person staring back at him in the mirror was himself, a boy who would always be alone.

He had to do something to rid himself of this feeling brewing in his heart.

The German boy didn't know why, but he had this uncontrollable urge to just destroy himself, in every way possible. He hadn't been eating much, but he worked out to the point where he was dizzy and ready to faint. He stopped studying for his tests, after all, what was the point anyway? It's not like he had a soulmate to impress. Ludwig stopped going to bed early and waking up even earlier and started staying up late and if he did sleep, not waking up until an almost obscene hour.

He just didn't want to do anything anymore.

It seemed as if nothing could make Ludwig smile anymore. No longer did he enjoy reading his favorite books or watching his favorite movies. Music didn't do a thing. He no longer smiled when he saw dogs on the street, or when he baked. It's not like he ate the things he created anyway. Ludwig just wanted to sleep for hours and hours.

When he was asleep, nothing could hurt him. When he was asleep, he didn't have to be reminded of the fact that he was worthless and going to be alone forever. He didn't have a soulmate, nor any friends, but Ludwig already knew that the worst he could do to himself is to depend so much on a certain person because then, what would he do if one day the decided they didn't need him anymore?

So Ludwig stopped contacting Gilbert.

Well, it wasn't like he and Gilbert never talked, because they did. Gilbert would've never stopped talking to his 'baby' brother forever. But there were less phone calls, fewer texts, and the visits were almost nonexistent. After all, although Gilbert still technically lived with him and paid the bills for their apartment, he spent most of his time at Roderich's dorm, which was understandable. It was more convenient and of course Gil wanted to be with his soulmate. So, Ludwig understood. Gilbert had a soulmate now, he had someone to love, and besides, he was twenty-three years old. Gil didn't need to hang around his wordless little brother anymore.

So no longer would Ludwig send a text to his big brother whenever he was sad. Instead, whenever Gilbert asked how he was, he would just say '_I'm fine_'. Although that wasn't how he felt at all, it was better than Gilbert knowing just how much he wanted to stop existing.

Ludwig just wanted to feel important to someone, was that too much to ask?

He scoffed at his own question. Of course it was. Someone who was worthless and wordless like him would never be important to anyone. Leaning his head back on his pillow, Ludwig flipped the switch on the lamp on his bedside table so the light wouldn't shine through. He didn't need light when his complete world was full of darkness, right?

Whenever Gilbert and Roderich came over, Ludwig would act like a normal teenager. He'd act as if it didn't bother him that he had no words, he'd act like he was happy to see them. The blond acted like he didn't know that he didn't want to live anymore.

To be honest, Ludwig didn't know if he could do this anymore. Getting up, going to school and faking being placid. Pretending. He couldn't do this anymore, because just as he started to think '_hey, maybe it's really okay that I don't have words at all'_ his dark thoughts would come crawling back, and he used to try and try, but he was never able escape his unhappiness.

So Ludwig stopped trying to escape, and instead just dwelled in his unhappiness. Gilbert had tried telling him that maybe he should go to a doctor, get some antidepressants prescribed. Ludwig had told him that he wasn't depressed, that he didn't need any medication for this. In all honesty, he just didn't want pills to give him fake happiness.

If he slept long enough, would all the pain go away? Part of him wished that one day he'd go to sleep and just never wake up again. There was one time a few years ago where he tried explaining to Gilbert why he was so sad, but nothing would come out that was when he realized, he didn't know why either.

Was it because he didn't have words? Was it because his father and mother left him? Was it because of the constant teasing, or the fear of being alone? Why was he so sad all the time?

Ludwig didn't know exactly the reason behind his sadness, but he did know that recently, he just felt really tired, like the world had drained him for everything he had.

Would this still hurt as much if his heart stopped beating? Ludwig had wondered that many times. If his heart just stopped beating, he wouldn't be consumed by this miserable feeling, right? He was just so broken and nobody even cared to notice. Or maybe they did notice, but they just didn't care about him enough to say something or to try to help.

His phone started to ring. A cheery, happy tune that didn't fit the atmosphere of his unlit room at all. Knowing there was only one person who would ever call him, he answered the phone.

"West, it's me, your awesome bruder!" An excited voice yelled over the phone.

"Hello bruder." Ludwig greeted, trying not to let on just how broken he felt.

There was a small silence before Gilbert spoke again. "Hey, Lud, are you doing okay? I haven't heard from you much lately and you rarely answer my awesome texts."

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm just tired." Ludwig muttered, but even he knew it wasn't just a lack of sleep, but a lack of hope, and happiness that made him sound that way he did.

Another pause from Gilbert's end. "Are you sure, West?"

His heart murmured to him to tell the truth, to tell his older brother that he was in fact, not doing okay, that he wasn't happy, that he didn't want to live. But his mind whispered for him to just lie. One more lie wouldn't hurt, right? His mind continued to talk to him sweetly, as if his thoughts were friendly. _Don't tell him what's wrong. You don't want to bother him. You're already a burden as it is, don't make it worse. He's happy. Don't drag him down with you. Stop being a burden._

"Yes, Gilbert, I am sure."

"Alright then, but you know I'm always here for you, right?"

_Lies_. "I know."

"Well, I have to go. Roddy and the awesome me are going on an awesome date in a few minutes, text ya later!"

And then there was just the beep of the dial tone, and it took a few moments for Ludwig to realize his brother had already hung up. He let out a sigh of relief, dropping his phone back on the nightstand. Lately talking to Gilbert took a lot of energy. _Lying_ took a lot of energy.

Turning over onto his side, Ludwig thought about how much it hurt to know he couldn't change who he was, he couldn't change the fact that he was wordless and all he could do was watch the hatred for himself grow everyday.

Gilbert wouldn't understand that, even if he did tell him.

Recently, Ludwig had found that you didn't need water to feel like you were drowning. Every time he took a breath, it was like water flooding his lungs, and the more he tried to cry out for help, the more water filled him, making it impossible to breathe. You didn't need water to feel like you were drowning, and you didn't need to be dead to feel like you were in Hell.

Groaning, the blue-eyed teenager turned over onto his side, staring at the pale blue curtains that were pulled across the window, shutting out the outside world.

There was one feeling Ludwig hated more than anything. More than the loneliness or the feeling of being unloved. It was the feeling when you're sad but have no idea why, and you just feel so empty. But nothing in particular even happened to make you feel that way. The feeling when Gilbert would ask what's wrong, but he can't even explain. Or when Gilbert didn't ask at all. Ludwig couldn't figure out which was worse.

To Ludwig, it felt like he was missing someone he never met. Like he needed someone who didn't need him. The loneliness hovers over him, it takes control of him and he didn't even care.

And so, Ludwig had started to isolate himself on purpose. Sadness had started to become his best and only friend. Maybe sadness was his soulmate? Long ago, Ludwig started to hate himself and wanted everybody to leave him alone. But at the same time, he wanted someone to rush over to him and gather him up in a hug and tell him that everything would be okay.

He hated the feeling of not even knowing what the hell he was feeling.

If he was honest, the blond wanted to be happy. But something inside him screamed that he did not deserve it. He didn't deserve the happiness that people with words got to feel.

It had been eleven long years since Gilbert had made that promise, and he had lost faith in that promise seven years ago. But a tiny fraction in his heart wanted to believe in his big brother's words, but he couldn't. Even back then, was he just waiting for something that would never happen?

It was dark outside when Ludwig finally gave up. He found himself standing over his desk, an x-acto blade in his right hand. He had bought this blade long ago from a craft sp store so he could complete a class assignment, and it had been hidden away in his desk drawer ever since. Ludwig never thought he'd find another use for it.

But he had.

He was almost afraid. What if this went wrong? Did this make him weak? He had never considered himself weak, but he was starting to reconsider. Did he really want to do this to himself? Ludwig already knew that the answer to that question was yes. This could dispel the terrible feeling in his heart, this would finally make his plain wrist look like a work of art.

Ludwig tightened his hold on the x-acto blade until his knuckles had turned white, before bringing it down and dragging it slowly across the delicate pale skin of his wrist. It stung like hellfire. But as he pulled the blade back, surprised by how much it hurt, he realized that the sting felt pleasant, like a hug from an old friend.

Now, you'd think him to be mad that he found this to be a pleasant sensation, but it was true. Deeply pressing the blade against his skin once again, he dragged it backwards, marveling at the tiny drops of red beading on the skin where the blade had just been. Ludwig lost count of how many times he continued that process, carving the blade back and forth onto his skin, relishing in the stinging feeling that it left behind.

The German teen had never thought blood was pretty, until he saw it dripping from his own skin. Most people would think that when or if Ludwig took a blade to his skin, he'd be in panic, crying, hyperventilating or sobbing uncontrollably like most people would be. But really, the moment he saw his skin split in two is when he felt calmer than he had in years.

The blond male couldn't help but admire just how beautiful his wrist had become with just a few simple cuts from a blade. Finally, his wrist wasn't empty or plain. It was no longer blank. The skin on his wrist had become a canvas, and in his right hand he held his sharp silver paintbrush coated in red paint.

Staring at it once again, the blood drying in small pools on the irritated flesh, Ludwig realized something.

Ludwig knew he never wanted his wrist to be empty again.

_To be continued _

**Coming next: Age 18**

**(I know, you're all upset that he hasn't met his soulmate yet. But it's coming soon, I swear.)**


	15. Age Eighteen

**Thanks so much for all the reviews, I really appreciate it! I love you all and I want to inform you all in advance that there is a possible chance that there will be some delay on Friday's chapter, seeing as I have finals and will be very busy studying. Anyway, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

_**Age Eighteen**_

_**First Friend**_

When Ludwig Beilschmidt was eighteen-years-old, he realized what the scariest thing in the world was. It wasn't the monster hiding under your bed from when you were a kid, it wasn't the bully in sixth grade, and it wasn't even finals or college tuition.

The scariest thing was when you realize you no longer check for cars before crossing the road, and you no longer care when you realize you've already missed a meal or three. It's when you begin to think '_maybe it wouldn't be so bad if something just happened to me in my sleep and I never had to wake up again_' or something like '_maybe it wouldn't hurt too badly to get hit by that car._'

The scariest part was not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that filled him despite the looming pain of emptiness. The scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely and that sinks in as you lay awake at two in the morning because you have lost the ability to sleep, and you can't even cry because you don't care anymore.

Nowadays, when Ludwig would wake up, his first thought would be_ 'I can't do this anymore.'_

Sometimes, Ludwig would think that he was becoming comfortable with his sadness. He wore it around his shoulders like a winter coat to keep him warm. How was it that his sorrow became his comfort; his home? Over the years, Ludwig had become afraid to venture unto the unchartered territory that was happiness.

Contentment could be just within reach. Maybe if Ludwig stretched out his pale fingers far enough, he could grasp it and pull it close. Instead, he clung to darkness because it is familiar to him.

He looked at the bloodied object clutched in his hand, he saw that it was just a scrap of metal. And yet it was his closest friend. He wiped the blood off the top of the bathroom counter, sighing and hoping it didn't stain. That'd be a rather unfortunate thing for Gilbert to see next time he visited.

Ludwig hated nights like these most. The nights where he felt so hollow inside and felt so damn empty and out of place. The nights where his mind wandered to the unknown and all he returned with was sadness. He hated being able to count the number of times tears burned in his eyes, and he hated that the only thing he had at night to comfort him was his loneliness and the only thing he felt surrounding him was darkness.

Shuffling his way back into his bedroom, he pulled down his long sleeves and picked up a framed photo of him and Gilbert from when they were young, a wry smile twisting his lips before he wrapped it carefully in bubblewrap before placing it in the cardboard box.

Damn, packing sure wasn't easy when you were doing it all by yourself.

That's right, Ludwig was now in the summer of his eighteenth year and had gotten into a nice college for engineering. It wasn't too far away, but it was a lengthy commute. Of course, part of Ludwig was amazed just by the fact that he was still alive to go to college anyway.

After wrapping yet another fragile object, Ludwig placed it in the box with delicacy, ignoring the growl his stomach emitted, instead continuing to pack items into the cardboard box. It didn't matter if he missed a meal or two, or for a week in a row. Food didn't matter for someone who was going to die alone, right?

Food wasn't important, he wasn't important. He couldn't eat, he knew that. Food was only for the important people, not the worthless ones.

* * *

><p>Pushing open the door, Ludwig dropped the cardboard box on the empty bed on the left side of the room. Cracking his neck, he sighed in relief as he realized that was the last box he had.<p>

Now, he just had to unpack the boxes.

Ludwig had successfully made it to college, where he would be majoring in Engineering. Part of him was actually excited for this new part of his life that was about to start. Maybe something would be different, maybe he could change. And while he no longer held hope for his words appearing, nor that he would ever be happy, he was excited. But something, anything, could change during his time here at college. A tiny buzz filled him, like a single bee swarming around throughout his body, flooding him with barely tangible excitement.

His roommate had already moved in, although Ludwig had yet to meet the other boy. The walls had a few framed photos and a small poster of some anime type show. From the information he had gathered, his roommate's name was Kiku Honda, an exchange student from Japan.

One of the photos on the wall was bordered by a simple black frame, and behind the class was a shiny new photo of Kiku and another boy –taller than Kiku– with rich brown hair, shimmering green eyes, and what looked to be a plastic headband with tawny cat ears perched on top of his head. They were holding hands, and small smiles lifted the corners of their lips.

A faint knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and Ludwig looked towards the closed door. "Come in." He welcomed simply, wondering if the person on the other side of the door was indeed his roommate.

A petite boy with dark hair opened the door. "Pardon my asking, but are you Ludwig-san?"

Ludwig briefly wondered why the other boy was asking, seeing as he was obviously setting up his dorm stuff and unpacking multiple boxes. Instead of asking, he instead settled for a simple: "ja."

A small smile and slight nod came from the other boy before he approached the much taller German teen and stuck out his hand. "Nice to meet you. I am Kiku Honda, majoring in Graphic Design and Animation."

The blond shook Kiku's hand firmly, nodding at the given information before returning the greeting. "Nice to meet you as well, Kiku. I'm Ludwig Beilschmidt, my major is Engineering."

"I hope we can become good friends this year. Good luck on your studies, Ludwig-san." He said before moving over to his desk and taking out his laptop, pressing the power button and waiting for it to turn on.

"Ja. And to you as well, Kiku." Ludwig muttered in reply.

The blue-eyed teen had to admit that he was rather confused towards Kiku's reaction towards him. The other boy had been rather friendly –albeit a bit formal– but he seemed to have good intentions. Didn't Kiku know? Didn't he know that Ludwig was a disgrace? A monster? Was this some sick joke? Although Kiku didn't seem the type to pull cruel pranks, over the years Ludwig had become overly cautious.

He had to keep it a secret. He could never let Kiku know that he didn't have words. This could be his first real chance to make a friend, and he didn't want it to go down the drain so quickly. Ludwig would wear long sleeves and make up an imaginary sentence and soulmate if he had to.

Shaking his head, Ludwig mentally slapped himself. Gott, he was behaving like a child. Getting all worked up about the possibility of having a friend... it was pathetic. He had trained himself for years to remember that he didn't need friends. It was idiotic to think that things would change and that he would suddenly make friends and be loved by everyone just because he was in college.

So far, Kiku had not yet tried to inquire about what his words were, like most people did. He just hoped it would stay that way.

* * *

><p>In the three months that he had been at college, Ludwig could confidently say that it was simultaneously the best year of his life and the worst. On one side, he and Kiku had become something similar to friends, and he had discovered that the green-eyed boy in the photo with Kiku was indeed the Japanese boy's soulmate. He knew that Kiku loved video games and didn't get scared easily.<p>

Meanwhile, Kiku knew that Ludwig loved dogs and baking, that he studied furiously and tended to have a short temper. They helped each other with multiple things, such as assignments or cleaning the dorm. They hung out daily, getting snacks at the small bistro down the street when they could. However, even though multiple months had passed, Kiku still hasn't asked about his words.

It was refreshing, to have somebody who looked passed that and talked to him nonetheless, but it was also nerve wracking. Any moment Kiku could spring the question on him, and Ludwig would have no idea how to reply and would be left floundering like a fish. And what if Kiku were to find out somehow? Would he stop talking to him? Would Kiku turn on him and give him the cold shoulder?

It didn't help that Kiku was almost constantly at their dorm, and Ludwig barely had time to find the time to relive his stress and negative emotions through pressing a metal blade to his wrist.

His wrist had few fresh marks, instead mostly consumed by pale scars of varying widths and lengths. His wrist wasn't plain anymore, and the thought of that comforted him. After all those years of staring at his empty wrist, waiting and praying that something would appear, sweet words or a hint to his future happiness. Instead, he had made something appear himself.

Friendship had so many variables and questions, Ludwig wondered how people managed to have friends at all. The constant fear that they could just decide to abandon you was crushing, and putting your trust in another person was a strange concept. What if they betrayed you? What was he supposed to do then?

Heart trembling, he pushed open the door to their small dorm. Kiku was perched on his bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a snack stuck in his mouth as he furiously pressed buttons on his 3DS.

Would it be better to just tell Kiku now? Before Ludwig got too attached to him, before he started to convince himself that someone actually enjoyed his company.

"Kiku?"

There was a pause and the click of Kiku closing the lid on his gaming device. Dark eyes studied him for a moment before replying. "What is it, Ludwig-san?"

"I'd like to tell you something." The blond spoke awkwardly, pausing and clenching his hands into fists.

Kiku nodded for him to continue.

"I don't have words." Ludwig said quickly, the air rushing out of him, "I don't have a soulmate." The sentence flew from his lips, and he sighed in relief. It was strange, to tell another person a piece of information about yourself that you didn't like people to know. It was comforting, in a strange way, to share parts of yourself with another person... a friend.

Kiku blinked, before nodding his head, the corner of his lips twisting into a kind smile. "I know."

Ludwig blanched. "You... what do you mean that you know?"

The shorter male picked up his shiny aqua blue device. "Ludwig-san, we have been... best friends for three months. You never spoke of your words, so I figured you didn't want to talk about it." His heavily accented voice continued, "after a while, I connected the dots. I am not dumb, you know."

"Ja, I know. I just... why are you friends with me if I don't have words?"

Kiku's eyes stayed focused on his game, and he spoke as if this was all obvious information that he was relaying casually. "You are still you, regardless of silly things like words. You are my friend, with or without a soulmate." His R's rolled in the place of the L's, but his message was clear.

"I..." Ludwig smiled, relieved but sad. "I see. Thank you, Kiku."

Pulling himself onto his bed, Ludwig lay in bed after Kiku turned out the lights and thought about what his roommate had said to him. The click of buttons and faint music from Kiku's game was the only sound in the room, but Ludwig couldn't hear it over his own thoughts.

Was what Kiku said true? They were not only friends, but best friends? What did being best friend entail? Were they supposed to get matching friendship bracelets or tattoos like characters from books did? However, Ludwig was mostly thinking about Kiku's last few sentences.

Kiku was okay with the fact that he didn't have words. Kiku didn't call him a freak or a weirdo and didn't ostracize him or kick him in the shin. He didn't demand that Ludwig leave the door and he didn't say hurtful things. Of course, it didn't change the fact that Ludwig hated that he didn't have words, but it was comforting to know that he had a friend.

Rolling over onto his side, Ludwig yawned and closed his eyes. College work was hard, but it was worth it. He was happier than he had been in years, but that still wasn't much. Some nights, the blond wanted to warn Kiku to not be surprised if one day he was unable to wake him up.

The German teen wasn't entirely sure if he would actually make it through college. For all he knew, Kiku would wake up one day and say that they were no longer friends, that he suddenly found it disgraceful for Ludwig not to have words. But until that day happened, Ludwig would continue to crawl through life, struggling to make it through the day without tearing himself apart and trying to look like he didn't want to die.

When Ludwig went to bed that night, his last thought was: '_I can't do this anymore... can I?' _and then he drifted of to sleep, wondering whether or not it was possible for him to continue on like he was.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 19**


	16. Age Nineteen (Part 1)

**I'm so glad you all like this story so much, it makes me super happy that you all like reading this story just as much as I like writing it. Thanks for all the reviews! And good news: I'm officially done with finals!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers**

**_Age Nineteen (Part One)_**

**_Honeydew Melon Murder _**

College had ended for the summer, and Ludwig couldn't help the feeling of sadness that edged it's way into his heart as he drove back home to his small apartment, his old crappy car filled to the brim with boxes of his belongings.

Gilbert was off traveling for the majority of the summer, claiming that he wanted to see some 'awesome' sights with his boyfriend of four years. A few days ago, Gilbert has called Ludwig at an obscene hour to announce the fact that he was going to propose. Ludwig bit his lip as he said congratulations, clutching the phone until his knuckles turned white.

It was strange... being home alone after spending so much time living with someone. Kiku had managed to become his best friend, and Ludwig was close to praying that that didn't change over the summer. What if Kiku made a new friend? Someone with words or a soulmate? Someone who was actually _worth_ something? Of course, Ludwig remembered that Kiku had sworn multiple times throughout the year that he didn't care about whether or not Ludwig had words, but it was hard to adjust after hearing so many cruel comments over the years.

Deciding that he needed to get out of the house, Ludwig stopped scrubbing at the dirty plate in the bubbly sink and dried his hands on the dish towel laying on the counter beside him. With a sigh, he walked over to the door and shoved his shoes on, grabbing his old wallet and the keys to his apartment before leaving.

The streets were filled with a plethora of tourists and random people who lived nearby, and the irritating high-pitched tune emitted from ice cream truck's speakers on every block. Kids were screaming and running around, chasing each other and jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk.

Ludwig was donned in a long-sleeved sky blue shirt, trying not to show his discomfort. It was blazing hot, and the blond could feel the sweat beading on his forehead and dripping down his face, damp and viscous. Gott, he hated wearing long sleeves. Or, more to the point, he hated that it was _necessary_ for him to wear long sleeves. Without words, it was bad enough to see the expression on people's faces when they noticed, but now, with his scars –both new and fresh– it made the whole short-sleeve thing really unappealing. Ludwig had seen some of the looks that people at school would give him on the days he rolled his sleeves up in class.

The girls in class would bite their lips and whisper to their friends, trying to be discreet and failing, while the boys snickered openly, pointing with raised eyebrows. They all probably thought he was mentally unstable –which was close to being true. Ludwig knew he wasn't the most mentally healthy, but he wasn't about to be thrown in a white padded room.

Continuing his walk down the street, the blond tried to dodge the children who ran towards him, causing him to bump into an older man who yelled obscenities in surprise, knocking the flowers out of the woman's hands who had been walking next to him. The flowers crashed to the ground, yellow daisies trampled by the woman staggering to catch her balance. Of course, the pair of children who had been charging in his direction hadn't been able to stop in time, causing a small boy to crash into Ludwig at full force.

Strawberry ice cream and a sugary waffle cone slammed against his shirt, staining the soft shirt a dirty lilac. The cold dessert seeped through the thin fabric of the shirt, chilling Ludwig to the core. Pieces of the waffle cone stuck to his shirt, the ice cream acting like an adhesive. Fractions of it fell off in chunks, landing on his shoes and the cement with a slick _plop_. Grimacing as he felt the sticky ice cream drip down his shirt, he watched as the young boy stared at him in horror before promptly beginning to bawl his eyes out.

Tears gushed forth from the child's eyes, and a screaming whine pierced through the air. The young girl beside him, upon seeing her friend cry, also began to cry. Her eyes filled with tears, becoming glassy and watery before she too became a puddle of tears, her own ice cream cone still clutched tightly in her hand, the chocolate ice cream melting in the hot sun and dripping down her hand and onto her clothes.

Her shriek echoed through the summer air, acting as an alarm siren for every parent in the vicinity. Adults of varying ages came rushing over, none being the _actual_ parent of the two children.

"Honey, are you okay?"

"Billy, where is your mother? I'll call her right away."

"Grace, sweetie, I'll get you a new ice cream cone. With cherries and sprinkles on top!"

A few concerned adults narrowed their eyes at Ludwig, as if it was somehow _his_ fault that they were running down the street while holding ice cream cones and couldn't stop in time.

Trying to move away, Ludwig once again bumped into the same man he had earlier, who was currently wearing a large scowl on his face, eyebrows scrunched angrily. "Who the hell do you think you are, pal?"

The man had to be at _least_ thirty, couldn't he at least behave like an adult? Didn't he see that it wasn't Ludwig's fault?

"You tryna start a fight or somethin'? Bumping into me like that. God, teenagers have absolutely no respect. Your generation is going to ruin everything. Were you raised in a barn? Didn't your mother ever teach you some proper manners?" The man spoke loudly, veins popping in his neck as his face turned an unattractive beet red color. "God, you have no respect for your elders." Overreacting completely, he left in a huff, stomping away as he cussed loudly.

Grinding his teeth together, Ludwig wormed his way out of the crowd that was forming around the children who were still bawling their eyes out, wiping their grubby, syrupy hands against their runny noses.

With an exasperated sigh, Ludwig thought briefly about just leaving and going home, but decided against it. Releasing the breath he hadn't known he had been holding, the German teen pulled his sticky shirt off, no longer caring about whether he had long sleeves or not, instead draping the light blue shirt over his right arm, cringing at the feeling of the cold and sugary fabric against his skin.

Luckily, back in high school, he had begun wearing tank tops under all of his shirts. He tended to go for runs after school, and doing that in a button-up shirt wasn't very practical. The tank top wasn't completely damp in the spot where the ice cream had been, and although he could feel the sugary residue on his skin, it was better than before.

Turning down the old brick sidewalk, Ludwig marched down the street, moving to avoid the small old ladies and newly married couples in matching pastel gingham shirts holding wicker baskets.

The farmer's market had always been Ludwig's favorite place to shop during the summer. The fresh air, the open stalls and gorgeous blue sky with the shining sun made the world seem perfect, even if that perfect moment only lasted as long as the transaction to pay for perfectly ripe peaches did.

Fruits and vegetables gleamed in the early afternoon sun. Strawberries and blueberries in small eco-friendly cartons sat beside each other, droplets of water misted across their vibrant skin. Honeydew melons were firm and ripe, eagerly awaiting the purchase of their consumers. Plums and apricots mixed together at one stall, mingling and dancing in gowns made from brightly colored skins. The scents from all the fruits swirled together in the hot summer air, creating a wonderful aroma similar to that of a mixed berry smoothie– if radishes and various vegetables were thrown in the blender with them.

All in all, farmer's markets were one of the best things about summer, Ludwig decided as he studied the cherries.

"They're perfectly ripe this season, best batch of cherries we've gotten in the last few years. Not too sweet, just right." The saleswoman said, a kind smile on her wrinkly face. "So, sweetheart, can I interest you in some?"

Ludwig nodded, something close to a smile twisting the corners of his lips as he took out his wallet. "Yes, thank you very much."

The old woman grinned, her sagging cheeks stretching with the movement of her lips and making the laughter lines around her eyes stand out. Adjusting her straw hat, she selected the cherries carefully. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna slip in some extra ones just for you, no charge." Her floral shirt matched the flowers growing in a small pot beside her stall. "Now, dear, I wanna see you back her sometime, alright? It's not everyday a handsome man like yourself comes along to purchase some fresh fruit. And bring a special friend too, someone to enjoy all the nice fruit with."

Ludwig smiled, handing the woman the money and accepting the bag of cherries. "I'll come back again." He confirmed, nodding his head.

She laughed, smiling once again. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna hold you to that. And next time you come around, I'll pour you some lemonade. Young people like you need refreshments to keep your energy up!"

With a nod, and another smile, Ludwig bid farewell and continued down the walkway, glancing at the other stalls. Gott, that old woman really was far too kind. Why she seemed to take a liking to him, he wasn't sure, but it was appreciated. She must've been in her eighties, but she was kind.

Stopping at another stall a ways down, he purchased a honeydew melon, which he carried in his left arm, cradling it to his chest like it was a small child. Usually he didn't care for honeydew melon, but today just seemed like the right day to have it.

Continuing on his walk, he gazed up at the sky, trying to memorize every detail of the impossibly blue sky and fluffy clouds. The sky was so completely and absolutely blue that it looked like the sky straight out of some crappy summer romance movie, where the characters just happened to stumble into each other on the street and then they'd ride their bikes to some park and sit under a large oak tree and have the most absolutely impossibly perfect picnic that somehow didn't include ants, crappy food or any other insect. And then, after the picnic, they'd stay in the park and one of their heads would be on top of the other person's thigh as they gazed up at the clouds and pointed out shapes. The boy would pick a flower and tuck it behind her ear, tell her that he wished summer would never end. And then they'd kiss. Movie over.

But real life never happened like the movies.

Sighing, Ludwig began walking faster, not taking his eyes off the sky. Perhaps he could pick up a cookbook with summer recipes and make something with cherries and honeydew melon that _wasn't_ some crappy fruit salad. Pleased with his plan, Ludwig walked on, only to feel something –someone– crash into his chest, their head clashing against his collarbones.

The honeydew melon flew from his loose hold, rolling out of his arm and splattering against the hard sidewalk, tan skin ripped open like a murder victim, revealing the gory insides of pale green flesh and small seeds.

Tilting his head down to look at the person who had just caused the death of his honeydew melon, Ludwig only just caught a glance of shining auburn hair, an obnoxious tendril sticking out from the rest of his hair, and shocked amber eyes.

Well, it looked like he'd have to get a new honeydew melon.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 19 part 2**

**(Please note, the next update will either be posted this coming Tuesday or in a week from now! Only four chapters left– probably!)**


	17. Age Nineteen (Part 2)

**Hello everyone! Thanks for all the reviews, it makes me super happy to see how enthusiastic you all are about this story! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to review!**

_**Age Nineteen (Part Two)**_

_**Written Confessions**_

The honeydew-melon-murderer had his eyes open wide in surprise, looking back and forth between Ludwig and the splattered fruit on the ground. His tan face contorted into an apologetic expression, eyebrows scrunched, lip pouting and watery puppy-dog eyes. Bowing furiously, the shorter male scrambled around for a notebook he had dropped.

"Machen sie sich deswegen keine sorgen," the blond muttered in surprised German, annoyance creeping into his tone. Slightly confused as to why the guy was panicking so much, and why the hell he refused to just apologize verbally. He sighed. "I can just buy a new one, it's no big deal." He said, carefully making sure he was speaking in the correct language.

Upon hearing Ludwig's voice, the shorter male bolted upright, mouth open in shock, eyes wider than dinner plates. His eyes looked like they would pop out of his skull, like an overly excited goldfish. Thoroughly surprised, the shorter male dropped his notebook, loose pages scattering about the street.

"Pardon me," Ludwig spoke, clearing his throat. "Are you all right?"

The brunet nodded his head frantically, waving his arms around in wild motions. He looked at Ludwig like he had never seen someone like him, as if Ludwig was a rare mythological creature... or as if Ludwig had suddenly grown multiple heads. Either way, the warm amber eyes were fixed solely on him, studying every one of his features.

As if a lightbulb had flashed over his head, the other male grabbed Ludwig's wrist in his paint covered hands, traces of charcoal rubbing off onto the German's pale skin. Lifting the blank wrist in front of his eyes, the man's eyes widened, and a grin spread across his face like it was Christmas morning. Ludwig had to admit that was a rather strange reaction. Over the years, he had seen many different reactions upon someone noticing that he didn't have words.

Some people laughed, some people jeered. Others looked embarrassed for him, and his mother had cried. Some looked guilty, some pitied him. Others –like Kiku– didn't care at all. But never once, in all his nineteen years, had he seen someone smile.

The shorter male continued to grin widely, holding Ludwig's wrist with one hand and pointing to himself with the other. Was this guy a nutcase? What the hell was he doing? Shrugging off the scrawny boy's grip, Ludwig moved back a step.

"Excuse me, I better be going now." The tall blond said quietly, turning away as the boy –who looked to be around the same age as him– tried to pick up the few papers on the ground, hastily grabbing at them.

Ludwig walked quickly down the street, ignoring the bustling shoppers around him with wicker baskets full of tomatoes (there was one guy he saw who had a whole basket full of the juicy red fruit) and he faintly heard the sound of shoes clacking against the old brick ground behind him hurriedly.

Ludwig pondered about the strange teen as he moved through the crowd, clutching his cherries. The stranger's charcoal fingerprints remained on his scarred wrist. Ugh, that was gonna be a pain in the ass to wash off later.

Feeling a tug on his sleeve, Ludwig moved to turn, but before Ludwig could even blink, the petite boy from a few moments ago was standing in front of him, notebook flipped open and a pencil in his hand as he silently pleaded with his eyes for Ludwig not to move.

Standing still, Ludwig watched as stained hands moved quickly about the page, clutching a stick of charcoal in his right hand as he wrote words down as quickly as he could. Turning the notebook around, he exposed the page to the blue-eyed teen.

_'My name is Feliciano Vargas.'_

Ludwig nodded, eyebrows crunched in confusion. This... guy –Feliciano looked like he was waiting for a reply. Clearing his throat, Ludwig choked out his own name. "I'm Ludwig Belschmidt."

Feliciano grinned, auburn hair shining in the gleaming sun. He flipped to a new page in his notebook, writing another sentence. _'I'm nineteen years old and I'm mute.'_

Ludwig nodded, wondering how this had anything to do with him. Feliciano continued writing.

_'And I'm your soulmate.'_

His heart was pounding, so quickly that he thought it'd jump out of his chest, and splatter across the sidewalk like the honeydew melon. Sweat trickling down his forehead, Ludwig's blue eyes widened. Struggling for words, he floundered, mouth opening and closing like a fish on land before he finally found his reply.

"That's not possible." Years of hardship and heartbreak flashed through his mind, hands trembling. He grew up without words, he learned through years of lecturing himself that he didn't need love, that he'd never have it. "I don't have words."

He wanted to shove past Feliciano, he wanted to run back to his crappy apartment and forget that this had ever happened. The auburn hair boy paused for a moment before nodding, and lifting up his own tanned wrist.

_'Machen sie sich deswegen keine sorgen'_ was marked on his wrist, in handwriting that Ludwig recognized as his own. Louder and louder, he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, and he briefly wondered if Feliciano could hear it too.

Part of Ludwig wondered if this was all a dream. If he pinched himself, would he wake up in bed only to find himself more alone than he ever had been before? Could this really be happening?

He didn't deserve it, not really. He was wordless, he didn't deserve a soulmate. He didn't even want to live, so why should someone like him have a soulmate?

_'How about we get some new honeydew melon?'_ Was written on paper that was thrust towards his eyes, and when the notebooks was lowered, Ludwig saw the wide grin on Feliciano's face, the happy blush that tinged his cheeks.

And Ludwig would've been lying if he said his heart wasn't beating faster at the sight.

* * *

><p>They ended up going back to Ludwig's apartment, Feliciano carrying the cherries and Ludwig carrying the melon. By the time they had actually gotten home, Feliciano had shared some details on his life and had managed to drag out some details from Ludwig.<p>

Feliciano was happily washing the cherries in the sink as Ludwig cut the melon, but the blond had to admit he didn't know what to do now that he actually... well, had a soulmate. It wasn't something he had ever thought about. What happened now? Were they supposed to fall in love instantly, get married and adopt a dog?

How did things like this even work? He was sure that at one point in his life, he had had a class on this exact subject, but hadn't listened. Of course, back then, he never would've thought that a day would come where he was casually eating fruit with his soulmate after bumping into them on the street.

Feliciano wasn't bad looking, he decided, slicing the melon into a nice plump slice. With shining auburn hair and warm eyes, he was easy on the eyes. However, Ludwig never would've thought that his soulmate would be a man. Well, he had never thought he'd have a soulmate at all, but when he was younger he had been sure that if he was to find his soulmate one day, they would most definitely be a woman.

Either way, Ludwig supposed it didn't really matter. Although he was still in shock from the new information of the fact that he wasn't going to die alone, he managed to keep up a decent conversation and answer Feliciano's sloppily written questions as they munched on fruit.

Feliciano asked simple questions like his favorite color (blue), his favorite animal (dog) and if he had siblings. But as time ticked by, the questions became more personal and deep, but somehow, Ludwig answered with ease, not fearing sharing personal information like he used to.

Talking to Feliciano was different than talking to Gilbert or that irritating guidance councilor, Mr. Atkins. With Feliciano, the truth just flowed out with ease, as the Italian boy soaked up the words and stories with a comforting gaze and a smile.

_'I've waited a long time to meet you.'_ Feliciano wrote as Ludwig put the leftover fruit in Tupperware.

"And I never thought I'd meet you." Ludwig responded, placing the fruit in the fridge.

_'Hey, Luddy?'_ He wrote, biting his lip.

"Hmm?"

_'Wanna go on a date tomorrow?'_

Although at one point in his life, Ludwig had been completely positive that he would never hear that question directed towards him. In fact, just earlier today, he had been sure of that.

And yet, somehow, even though a blush burned his cheeks, Ludwig found a smile turning the corner of his lips as he gave his answer. "I'd love to, Feliciano."

When Ludwig was nineteen years old, he took the first step towards a certain kind of happiness that he thought he'd never achieve.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 20**

_**Vote: **_how many more chapters would you like? I'll do as many as you'd like, but I'd hate to bore you all with continuing the story for too long.


	18. Age Twenty

**I'm very glad that you're all happy with the last chapter! I'm also happy that Ludwig and Feliciano met. There are officially 300 reviews on this silly little story of mine, thank you so much!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia axis Powers**

**_Age Twenty_**

**_Whispered Truths_**

Feliciano and Gilbert first met at Gilbert's wedding. Although Gilbert had heard many things about his younger brother's soulmate, they had never been formerly introduced. The short Italian boy looked like he was stuck between being super excited and dying of nervousness by the time Gilbert waltzed over to them, donned in a tux with a large grin on his face.

"West! So he is real," Gilbert teased, laughing as he slammed his hand on Ludwig's back. "And here I thought that you might be making him up... because you never fucking brought him over to dinner or whatever the hell families do when meeting their sibling's soulmates."

Ludwig rolled his eyes, rubbing his temples in tired circle motions. "You know that I don't have time to just drop everything and come over for a family dinner, right?"

Gilbert seemingly ignored him, unimpressed with Ludwig's excuse. Turning towards the auburn-haired boy, the albino patted him on the back with a firm hand. "Welcome to the family, Feli. Sorry you're stuck with my stick-up-the-ass brother."

Feliciano waved his hands in front of his body, mouth open and head shaking back in forth. Flipping open his ever-present notebook, he jotted down his reply to the mischievous, teasing older Beilschmidt brother.

'_I like Ludwig just the way he is_.' Feliciano wrote with a blush tinging his cheeks, a smile pressing at the corner of his lips as he held out the notebook for the other males to read.

Gilbert tilted his head back towards the sky, his strange hissing laugh emitting from his throat. "Lud, you sure found yourself a keeper. Don't fuck it up."

Ludwig fought to keep a smile from turning his lips. "Trust me, I have no intention to. And congratulations on your marriage, bruder."

'_Congratulations!_' Feliciano wrote, smiling happily.

The older male grinned widely, squaring his shoulders. "Yeah, I sure know how to pick 'em." He said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder towards his spouse who was currently gorging on delicious white marzipan cake. "Oh, and West, there's something I need to tell you... it's important." He looked unusually serious, red eyes gleaming, pale face deadpan. Gilbert took a deep breath, like he had to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to say. Biting his lip, he leaned in closer to his brother and Feliciano. "Are you sure you're ready to hear this?"

Ludwig steeled himself before nodding. Feliciano put a comforting hand on his muscular arm, ready to support Ludwig through whatever news he was about to receive.

Inhaling deeply, Gilbert opened his mouth to speak. "I fuckin' told you, dumbass!" He laughed loudly, like he had just told the best joke in the world. "Fourteen-fucking-years ago, the awesome me told you that you would get a soulmate!" He swung an arm around Feliciano's petite shoulders. "And here he is! I'm awesome! Suck it!" He hollered, releasing the smaller male and placing his hands on his hips.

Wiping tears of mirth from his bright eyes, Gilbert's laughing slowed to a stop. Ignoring the curious eyes of the people around them, he stared at Ludwig's unamused face, a smug grin twisting his lips. "Bye losers! I got some cake to eat!" And with that, he turned away, heading over to the large cake.

"I'm sorry about my brother..." Ludwig muttered with a sigh, turning his gaze away from his brother's retreating form and onto Feliciano's smiling face.

The other male was grinning so widely, it looked like his face would split in two. Clutching his sides, he bent over and laughed, mouth open wide and shoulders shaking. Although no laughter escaped his lips, and never did, Ludwig still smiled at the sight. Calming down, Feliciano lifted his hands up and rapidly signed to Ludwig, wiping stray tears of mirth away from his eyes.

After they had begun dating, Ludwig immediately signed up for a class to learn sign language. He figured it would be easier for them if Feliciano didn't always have to have paper and pen around just to talk to the tall blond.

"Yeah, he's a good brother. I'm sure you'll end up seeing him again soon. And speaking of brothers..." the blond glanced around. "Where's yours?"

Putting a hand to his chin, the Italian boy whipped his head from side to side, scanning the crowd for his older –yet almost identical– brother. Lovino Vargas had decided to attend the event with his own fiancé, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Gilbert had welcomed them to the wedding with open arms, saying that not only did he want to meet his future in-laws, but also because he believed in the 'the more the merrier' philosophy.

As if he could read their minds, a slightly tipsy Lovino appeared, scowling and holding a wine class. "Awe, fuck, my brother is still hanging around that potato-loving bastard."

"Lovino!" Antonio whispered, "be nice! That's Feli's soulmate, and we're at his brother's wedding!"

The unhappy Italian male took a generous sip of his wine, furling his lip. "Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter to me." Huffing, Lovino's lip furled into a pout. "It's not like I wanna be here anyway."

Lifting up his hands, Feliciano began signing. '_Fratello! Don't be mean to Ludwig!_'

"Shuddup, I'll do what I want." Lovino said defiantly, but it was clear he had settled down some. "When you told me you met your soulmate, this potato bastard wasn't what I had in mind."

Antonio draped his arm around Lovino with a smile. "But you're still happy for them, right?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fuckin' jumping for joy." He muttered, "I'd be happier if Feli wasn't with kraut-breath." Narrowing his eyes, Lovino turned sharply, red wine sloshing in the glass.

The remaining Spaniard sighed, clearly used to Lovino's behavior. "I'm sorry about him." He smiled brightly, green eyes sparkling as he spoke. "He's actually really happy for you two, he just doesn't know how to show it. He's really happy Feli found his soulmate!" Looking over to where Lovino was pestering the waiters for more wine, he smiled softly. "It was nice to meet you Ludwig, but I better get going. Talk to you both later!" Antonio patted them both on the back before running over to Lovino.

"Well, Feli, your brother is certainly... interesting." Ludwig said, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to say after meeting him like that.

'_Fratello is very kind, he just doesn't know how to express it!_" He smiled brightly, looking over to his brother and Antonio. _'He helped me a lot growing up! I love him a lot!_' Although Feli had no voice, it was still clear that he really did love his brother very much. '_Luddy, let's dance!_' He signed, eyeing the other couples dancing with each other happily.

"No thank you, I'm not one for dancing." Ludwig replied with a grimace, knowing he would make a fool of himself if he were to step onto the dance floor. "But I'll watch you from here."

Feliciano pouted for a second, hand to his chin as he wondered how he could solve the solution. He really did want to dance with his boyfriend after seeing all the other couples swaying on the dance floor. Grabbing Ludwig's wrist, he dragged the taller male out amongst the other pairs anyway.

Ludwig groaned in protest, but stopped after Feliciano flashed a smile at him. The auburn-haired boy was clearly excited at the aspect of them dancing together, so Ludwig didn't see how he could really say no.

"Fine..." He muttered, a small smile threatening to turn the corners of his lips. "Just one dance."

Feliciano beamed, nodding his head in a 'thank you' gesture, although they both knew that it would end up being far more than just one dance. Gentle smiles on their faces, matching blushes donning their cheeks, they let themselves get lost in the thundering music, and danced the night away.

* * *

><p>Thoroughly tuckered out from the few hours of dancing, the couple made their way back to the hotel room, Feliciano nodding off on Ludwig's shoulder as he carried them both over to the bed and careful slide the petite boy off his back.<p>

Feliciano quickly stripped down to his boxers, throwing his dirty clothes on the floor before crawling under the covers like a small kitten, burrowing himself inside the warm sheets. Ludwig changed into his sleepwear in the bathroom, a black tank top and dark green boxers, washing his face with the cold water running from the faucet before turning off the lights and dropping onto the bed.

The only lights remaining came from the two small lamps on either side of the bed, and Ludwig was about to turn off the lamp closest to him when a tug on his tank top stopped him. Feliciano poked his head out of the covers, eyebrows scrunched in worry as he bit his lip.

"Feli...?" Ludwig whispered, sleepy and voice hoarse. "Are you all right?"

The Italian's eyes sparked with something close to confusion and concern, a mix of caution and curiosity. Lifting up his shaking hands, he seemed to hesitate before signing his words. Gathering up all his courage, Feliciano asked a question he had been meaning to ask for a long while.

'_Luddy..._' He paused, hands trembling, '_what are the scars on your wrist from?'_

The blond inhaled sharply, caught off guard but not entirely surprised. He knew that sooner or later, he would have to answer that question. Thinking carefully, he opened his mouth, although no words came out. He cleared his throat, trying to force the words out, but to no avail.

He stayed silent for a moment, glancing at Feliciano. The other male seemed to almost regret asking the question, but did not back down.

"Well," Ludwig started, trying to calm his nervous heartbeat. His hands were clammy, but he spoke nonetheless. "I never thought I'd have a soulmate. I was uh, teased about it. My father left because I didn't have words, and my mother left to chase after him years later." Feliciano's hand wormed it's way into his own, warm eyes glowing with support. "When I was seventeen, I gave up. I decided that I didn't want to live anymore, and I hurt myself."

Three years later, he was almost ashamed of his previous behavior on the matter. Part of him wishes that he had been stronger than that, back when he was seventeen. Lips pressed into a thin line, he felt Feliciano squeeze his hand. "There's really nothing more to the story. I was weak, and I did some very... pathetic things. That's all."

Feliciano removed his hand from Ludwig's, and for a moment, Ludwig's heart started to pound in fear. What if Feliciano was repulsed? What if he thought he was a freak? Although, he knew that the boy he had come acknowledge as his soulmate wouldn't think such cruel things. He was Feliciano, his soulmate, the boy with a smile brighter than the sun and a heart larger than the ocean was deep.

Feliciano stared at him, contemplating, gentle eyes filled to the brim with tears. He had never wanted Ludwig to go through that, they both knew that. '_It's my fault, Luddy. I'm sorry._' He signed, tears starting to drip down his cheeks.

Bewildered, Ludwig floundered for a reply. "Feli, how on earth could it be your fault? It's okay, I'm stronger than I used to be. I don't have thoughts like that anymore, so don't cry."

_'If I could speak, you would've had words.'_

That was true. If Feliciano hadn't been born without the capability of speaking, Ludwig would've had words and he would've gone throughout his life like a normal boy, with a father and a mother and friends. But, if he had had words, he would've have turned out to be the person he was today. And as Feliciano had taught him over the during the time they had been together, who he wasn't a bad person.

"I don't need words." Ludwig whispered, although for a moment it was more to himself than to his boyfriend. "I don't need words, because I have you."

It was strange for him. For almost twenty years, he had thought that because he didn't have words, he was worthless. He had believed that because he didn't have words, he didn't even deserve to be alive. But for the months that he had been with Feliciano, he had begun to think otherwise, and he hadn't even realized it. As the days passed, he began to look forward to waking up in the morning because he knew that waking up meant that it was just another day he could spend with Feliciano.

Feliciano swiped at the tears coursing down cheeks, trying in vain to make them stop falling. _Plop_, _plop_, _plop_, they fell like rain drops from the sky.

Ludwig took a deep breath, trying to figure out what he could say to make Feliciano stop looking so miserable. He wanted Feliciano to smile again, like he always was. Albeit, it was often an idiotic smile, but it tended to brighten up his day nonetheless.

"I love you." Ludwig whispered, voice trembling. He wondered how he had never said it before, how he had never told the amazing person sitting before him how he felt.

As he said the words, Feliciano's tears slowed to a stop as his mouth fell open before turning into a smile.

_'I love you too_.' He mouthed, no voice coming from his throat, but he didn't need a voice for Ludwig to know what he was saying.

In a way, neither of them had words. Ludwig had a plain wrist, and Feliciano had no voice, no words to pass his lips. But they filled in what the other one lacked, and together they knew that they would get through their lives, happily, peacefully and crazily in love. Ludwig's stern voice covered Feliciano's lack of one, and the neatly written words on Feliciano's tanned wrist disguised the fact that Ludwig's was bare. Together, they accepted each other's faults with a smile.

_To be continued_

**Coming next: Age 21**

**Fun fact: did you know that I was originally going to have Feli and Luddy meet when they were twenty three?**


End file.
